Nostalgia Critic. Reviewing Commercials. “Like You Give A Shit.” COMMERCIALS!!!! After these messages X4 We’ll be right back! Uh-oh! What’s the Green Goblin up to now? Oh no, he’s forcing Spider-Man to play his own Atari game! Actually, that is kind of evil. “Watch yourself fall, silk-slinger!” This is an enjoyably goofy commercial, but what really sells it is the guy playing the Goblin. “Try to get there in time, Spider-Man!” *Laughs* I think his dentist put meth in his laughing gas. “If don’t get you web-head, my gang of nasties will!” “Holy Hannah!” I love this guy, he can’t even leave the frame without going nuts! *Goblin proceeds to laugh hysterically* Stop presenting! Show some dignity when you’re in that costume! Holy Heck! “And you’re running out of fluid!” What’s he even saying here? He’s so excited, I can’t make it out. “You’re running out of fluid!” What?! “You’re running out of fluid!” Okay, I’ve watched this over a hundred times, I’ve studied it, I’ve analyzed every possibility, I still don’t know what the hell he’s saying! “You’re running out of fluid!” *Sighs* Here are my closest guesses. You’re running out of blue whip You’re running out of glue lids You’re running out of Blu Wigs You’re running out of FLU WEED!!! WOO HOO!!!!!!! We laugh at this, but honestly it’s not too far off from what some of the movies have. If Goblin and Spider-Man can relax on a roof in those ridiculous outfits, Playing an Atari game isn’t too far off! I could crush you like a bug right now, but let’s play video games instead. *Spiderman Atari game playing* Seriously, you told her you hunch? Yeah, I thought was a good pick up line for some reason. It’s gotta be less awkward than how I cut a Thanksgiving turkey or crawl on the floor to a chair with a Spencer’s mask on it. Yeah, let’s hope nothing gets ridiculous as this in our near future. Outside of a song and dance number, how could it? What can I say, but web-slinging fun never looked so… Pixelated. “Is this more action than even Spider-Man can handle?” “Spider-Man, a video game from Parker Brothers, the ones to beat.” *Commercial #2* “Here comes Federal Express!” Whoa, stand back, the world’s most exciting toys are here! “Ready on the ground!”
“This is the Federal Express air cargo playset.” Yeah, I remember how jealous I was of the kids that have Federal Express playsets. Here I was watching the side of my painted house dry, I had no idea there’s something even more boring! “The door is opened and a real conveyor system inside the plane moves the containers into the cargo bay.” Hey, slow down, there’s only so much excitement we can take! “Now Federal Express takes off again with cargo for Phoenix.” I have enough intensity with my pet rock, thank you very much. “They’re put in containers, loaded on trailers, and taken to the plane.”
*Offscreen “wow”* wait what Did that really deserve a “wow”? I can barely muster an… “Eh”. “The van delivers packages to the airport.”
*Another offscreen “wow”* I prepared for a lifetime of disappointment “New York, Miami-” Yeah, this commercial’s pretty much as boring as it sounds. Come on guys, you had the Micro-Machine man working for you! Couldn’t you utilize him somehow?! This is so boring, my skin is actually turning into cardboard! “The Federal Express air cargo play set comes with everything you see here, from Playskool.” FedEx. Putting “return to sender” on your kid’s imagination. *Commercial #3* “Think we’ll beat that time?”
“Sure we will, after this complete breakfast including my Frosted Flakes!” Ah, Tony the Tiger. you represent everything youthful and strong with the voice of an eighty-year-old. “Let’s see if you’re any good.”
“Frosted Flakes good? They’re grrrrrreat!” Though Tony is of course still around, there was a distinct formula that was used in the 80s and 90s ads. You see, it always starts with Tony befriending some random kid in some random sport, who’s always being made fun of by bullies. “You two wanna take a horsey ride?” “You two up for a little game?” “Hey you two, the kiddy hill’s over there!” “You two coming in?
“They’ll just wipe out!” Time to tie our sweaters around our chests and throw Cadillacs at puppies. *Snort* “Hope your serve is good.” “You guys can have the new kid.”
“We don’t want him, you’re stuck with him.” What’s wrong with these dipshits, you’re making fun of a kid that has a killer predator on his side! This is not gonna end well! “We’ll see how good you are.” What’re you gonna do? Sic your giant animated tiger on me- AAAHH!! But of course, it’s the great taste of Frosted Flakes that brings out their inner tiger and transforms them into a sports star. “He’s bad at doing good.”
“Good? They’re grrrrrreat!” “♪ Show them you’re a tiger, show them what you can do ♪” I see some false advertising in that. Some meat, protein bars, vegetables, these are things that can make you a better athlete. Sugar-frosted newspaper cannot. Nobody says “You know what’d make people who eat Wheaties even stronger? Candy flavoring!”. There’s even CHOCOLATE-covered versions with MARSHMALLOWS! How is any of this supposed to make you a sports star?! If they really wanted to be honest with the ads they be like: Hey loser, sad that your parents died in a car crash? I’ll never be as cool as those guys… That’s what you think! Tuffy the Tiger?! What you need is a helping of my Tuffy Flakes. It brings out the toughness in you! So you think you’re any good? Tuffy Flakes good? They’re grrrrrr-andulated sugar! -Wait what?
-Oh yeah, there’s no wheat in this. We just scrape off the top of sugar cubes and dye them brown. -That sounds incredibly unhealthy.
-Go get ’em tiger! ♪ Show ’em that you’re a toughie, show them what you can do ♪ -I’m sluggish and slow.
-You just need more Tuffy Flakes. Keep ’em guessing, tiger! ♪ You make some weird grring sounds because you know what’s cool ♪ -Problem?
-I feel dizzy and weak. That’s just the diabetes setting in. What you need is some insulin. What you need is some insulin. WHAAAAaAaAAaaAA Keep ’em on their toes, tiger. ♪ You start your breakfast right, with what most people call dessert ♪ ♪ When you have a taste of Tuffy’s Tuffy Flakes, it brings out the toughness in you ♪ They’re grrrrrrrossly mis-advertised! Well, it’s still fun and Tony’s such a great mascot, it’s hard not to get sucked into all the sports-tastic propaganda. “It brings out the tiger in you! “(and you!)” *Commercial #4* Whoa, what are all these kids gathered around for? “It’s Johnny.” “He’s gonna play Simon.”
“Nobody beats Simon.” Hey, hey, stand back! Son of a bitch thinks he can take on Simon! Wow girl, I think that jacket just put you through early puberty! I will smell Johnny’s jacket all through the night… Smells like SpaghettiOs and victory. “I want you, Simon.” I want to blow away this easily impressed group of fourth graders. “Simon is the challenge you’ve been waiting for.” “And if you get very good at Simon, great rewards await you.” Yes, if you take on the challenge of pushing beeping buttons, you get the great reward of them beeping without you pushing them! “It takes coordination of hand and mind just to play the game.” “Thank you, Simon.” (VICTORY IS OURS) (VICTORY IS OURS) I love how politely he thanks the machine before he soaks up the victory. AHHHHH- I want to thank you for a challenging game, it really did well to enhance my reflexes. AHHHHH! Look at these kids, it’s just Simon, guys! I mean, what do you think this is, Crossfire? You may be cool Simon, but you’re not “Crossfire being played by Dante Basco dressed as Firebender Zuko” cool. “CROSSFIRE!” Check out the look he gives when the girl puts the jacket on him. He’s just like: “Girl, you my bitch now. Simon says I own your ass.” It’s ain’t Crossfire, but as game commercials go, it’s a close second. “Simon is waiting for you. From Milton Bradley.” You my bitch now. *Commercial #5* “One kids meal!” -“Please?”
-“Right away!” So we all know McDonald’s has Ronald McDonald, but for a while Burger King had the Burger King Kid’s Club. It lasted for a good chunk of time until they realized the 90s wanted to die, and this was the last remaining threat of it. I mean look at ’em. They’re drenched in the 90s! It even has all the 90s token characters: The token geeky kid, the token Hispanic kid, the token black kid, the token wheelchair kid, and- Ooh! TWO token girls? The nineties aren’t ready! Truth be told, it was kinda neat to have such a wide variety, but they never really had any characteristics like the McDonalds commercials. Ronald was confidently goofy, Grimace was a doofus, Hamburglar was a troublemaker… What are these kids’ story? Umm… They kidnap kids through black magic? -“And don’t forget to clean your room!”
-“It’s not that bad!” *yeah we totally believe you* This will take you away from your ethical obligations! “Alright!” They… take pictures of boys… bathing? Okay, you and this girl need a talk-in-two. …Turn away people they don’t like… “Who belongs in the Burger King Kids Club?” “He does…” “She does…” “I don’t think so…” You’re turning away dinosaurs, what’s wrong with you? Your coolness would have gone up 1,000,000% if you had a T-Rex as a member! “Definitely yes.” “Definitely not.” For a crew that’s trying to be so “open and accepting” you sure say “no” to a lot of people! “Definitely not.” Screw bagpipe players, they can go to Hell! No wonder your characters never sold that great… “Hey guys, wanna go to the toy store?” “Nah…” Burger King made toys boring. I don’t know if they’ll ever get a reaction from us agai- AHH! Spoke too soon! A valiant attempt, but they don’t even mention their names in the commercials, all we can see them as the black kid, the Hispanic kid, and the Cyclops. “What do they call you, ‘Wheels?'” Actually, yes. Awkward. “The Burger King Kids Club! It’s just for fun, and just for you! “This is the stupidest thing I ever heard.” *Commercial #6* 🎵Oh oh oh, bright ideas in an Oreo cookie🎵 Always a classic jingle for a classic product. But while we all remember how to dunk and eat an Oreo cookie, what is up with these kids’ reaction to them? I swear, you could freeze any of these, and it looks like the Oreos are opening up the Dark Dimension from ‘Doctor Strange.’ Look, they even transformed this kid into a young Bill Cosby! …which is probably gonna be very bad in the future “You got the wiggles and the jiggles all over the place!” That takes on a whole new meaning. Don’t look directly into this boy’s eyes, it will send you directly to hell! I EAT JESUS! *Commercial #7* “They said it wasn’t humanly possible.” Well here it is folks the first-ever Game-boy commercial! And I’m not gonna lie… They may have over hyped it. Now you can have all the power and excitement of Nintendo right in the palm of your hand! Really? All the power and excitement of Nintendo huh? Is that why in this 30-second commercial there’s only one second of game play in it? I’m not even kidding this is the only clip of game footage they show. But, look! Giant robots on “Doctor Who” sets like it! And even that’s a little awkward I’m sorry but seeing a giant machine come out and hold a calculator like a texting gourd doesn’t look especially intimidating. The loser has to watch the Keanu Reeves version. “and it’s games are interchangeable.” Plus Game-boy comes with the outrageous new game Tetris! “Outrageous Tetris”, huh? There are many words to describe Tetris but outrageous isn’t usually one of them. so outrageous that only one second of it can be shown to show the rest of it would blow your mind to much! ok if you want to do an ad truthfully you do it like this. Now you can have all the power and excitement of an Nintendo right in the palm of your hands by all we mean literally one color, roughly four bits, and a variety of maybe five sound effect really crappy robots from the sixties love it. You could get a game gear which in hindsight was a million times better about because ours was a tiny bit smaller it bombed! Enjoy what your mom will be playing on her phone in 20 years! “Wait does my existence rely on this? I totally didn’t know that!” “Gameboy, only from Nintendo.” A fun ad, even if it is over hyped. “Now you’re playing with power! Portable power!” *Commercial #8* “Every morning at this time, Dad cooks one of those great Eggo Waffles in the toaster.” NC: Yep, who can forget “leggo my eggo”. The catchphrase nobody said because nobody would ever fight for one. “No leggo my Eggo” But in the commercials, everybody wanted one and we’ll go to crazy lengths to get it. Even though there were clearly many left behind, I feel like these are some extreme lengths to go to get one of them. What do they come in, like packs of 8, 12, y-you can.. c’mon, guys. “Time is right for the eggo stuff suit!” Probably, the most extreme as a kid that created an invisiblity suit. WITH SCIENCE! “Hey, leggo my eggo!” You’re sinning against time in nature for an eggo waffle. The world is not ready for such technology! …or deliciousness! It’s cute and all but if these ideas were done today, I think they might’ve gone a different direction. My dad always tries to get my eggo waffle on the morning before I do, But with my black arts magic, the advantage is mine! *SORCERY * *THE WAFFLE IS ALIVE! RUN! D:* And that’s how it’s done! Oh no you don’t 11. This eggo waffle is mine! *MAGIC FIGHT THAT PROBABLY WASN’T INSPIRED BY HARRY POTTER* Eggo waffles is part of a complete breakfast.
Leggo my egg- I’ll shut up… Weird, but harmless enough, Eggo knows how to focus on stranger things. “You down there, daddy?” *Commercial #?* NC: And there are weird ones like this that either show you an advertisement or show you nothing but black. I never got them tell me what you think. *a great advertisement* Weird right? So random. *Commercial #9* Birthday-Bear: Shopping makes me hungry love-a-lot bear! Love-A-Lot Bear: Birthday Cake! My favorite! yes many of you know the characters were thing for a while and that included toys I’m not even sure I always got them like one was for dress-up did girls like to dress up bears was that a thing is a proud but strangely enough the most frightening thing is when they would speak i know that doesn’t sound like anything but just listen to when they talk someone start to power Christ you should take voice lessons from the girl in the ring 7 days they also make chief novelties when you can’t afford actual presence help you cheer from the sidelines no seriously what to give me my goddamn leg is broken as well as ruining birthdays no wonder he has no friends at this party is excited to get a carebear stay there i’m gonna beat you up after this review continued good beer and what don’t crowd give us know that was not a good frame to freeze on this is it to say even the toddler’s figure out quickly they’re being jipped hey as long as they don’t talk to yourself lucky kid I guess I got the job done but did they have to be so curiously freaky and share your special feelings today *Commercial #10* when that clock this character was kind of cool he was called Mac tonight also known as movement so purpose was to let you know that mcdonalds open later and dare we say a classy place to hang out at night at the answer is no you may not dare to say that tonight it’s look cool on the character was pretty neat but I’m sorry this will never convince anyone mcdonalds is an upscale place to be it just ain’t gonna happen mmm these mcnuggets are especially chickenless today oh hello Andre Alexander was busy having a griddle of the thick variety of how frightfully witty a little haha why isn’t that truly is from walmart nevermind me your arm to seeing if they still have the mac lobster with that thing yes yes that is i guess it doesn’t help that this moon guy is also a little creepy just watch what happens when you switch out the music from this actual ad they used to play I will stab your heart with my chair on the i’m bruce campbell can do that still cool character even if he is a bit nightmare-inducing Mac not make it back tonight maybe absolutely remarkable my interactive poo where are you yeah holy you alone do you ordinary new why are we talking about extraordinary new poo are we having lunch with Grandpa get going to act with your child and computer for hours that sounds very unsanitary download and take me anyway take poo fun anywhere i’d imagine get arrested for something like that hello you know I’m Way too childish to talk about a children’s commercial but let’s just say this isn’t my number one commercial but it’s definitely my number to a new my interactive proof okay this goes back a PSA from when the adam west batman sir was still on let’s see what sixties Batman had to throw at us Batgirl entire before it’s too late it’s already too late I’ve worked for you a long time and i’m paid left and Robin holy discontent same job same employer means equal pay for men and women no time for jokes Batgirl no joke it’s the Federal Equal Pay loss oh yeah congress and we talk about this later we’ll Batgirl save the dynamic duo will she get equal pay contact wage and hour division Department lake ok where do I start with this first of all Adam West is really phoning it in isn’t he his life is on the line yet it sounds like he’s teaching a geometry class quick Batgirl entire US before it’s too late and please tell me the property 4x second bet that’s kind of an asshole equal pay for men and women no time for jokes bad girl wow what a douche I mean come on your vagina loan docs you like twenty percent even Robbins like come on you’re crazy Dame we gave you have about what else do you want third superheroes get paid when did this start our superheroes getting regular wages do they have a union plus i don’t know what the paychecks are but the idea of anyone getting paid less than Robin if friggin hilarious fourth she’s just gonna let Batman died kids who must be pissing themselves she’s about to kill their favorite 0 and a young boy that girl is going to become everyone’s most hated characters as The Killing Joke fifth even with the threat of killing Batman women’s typical are given equal pay this was made back in the sixties and it’s still unequal we’d rather see one of our favorite superheroes died and give a few more bucks to these weird timid creatures to it if that’s not going to do anything I don’t know what will sex well it is well intention is this really the best time for Batgirl to bring this up could like sit down and discuss a back-and-forth or protest or I don’t know call your Congressman like you just said I mean how awkward Mustangs be between Batman and Batgirl after this situation you know this reminds me of the time when I was a similar situation remember yeah and you’re gonna let me explode if you did get equal pay know you’re talking about you know world hunger is still a big issue no no I’m serious I’m actually thinking maybe we should put your life on the line until we get world hunger soft you don’t you stay there blow i’m going to get my powerpoint presentation ok i’m still here though a well-meaning message done in a hilariously ridiculous way what else did you say but holy acts of Congress away in our division Department of Labor here’s another PSA from Canada oh no no no I pulled by a PSA before canada you always try to make them look so friendly and nice but then there’s great whistles and face burnings and putting things in your mouth and well I’m ready for you this time canada do your worst it’s nighttime in a kitchen just like yours all is quiet or is it bad that i shall what that the North American house mo is found throughout canada and the eastern united states that house hippos are very timid creatures and they rarely seen that they would defend their territory devote they come out at night to search for food water and materials for their nests what their that a children felt like the favorite foods of the house hippo are chips raisins and the crumbs from peanut butter on toast point for your cute cat away you go with us to build their nests in bedroom closets using lost mittens dryer it’s street and then they flamethrower your family don’t smoke box suppose sleep mode 16 hours a day that look really real but she knew it couldn’t be true didn’t you that’s why it’s good to think about what you’re watching on TV and ask questions kind of like you just did a message from concerned children’s advertiser’s well that was nice downright adorable so let me get this straight canada you start off your dark disturbing PSAs as cute and innocent and start off your cute and innocent PSAs as dark and disturbing ninja go what are you canand up you’re like a riddle inside an enigma inside up please and thank you ok cool the house a boat don’t believe everything you see fair enough cute harmless even education oh PS a good-for-you canada i will not have nightmares tonight okay we could count up we good thank you for that in lightning very pleasant PSA now on to the next one Okay, so here’s one from Britain called “Electricity Football.” Oh, cool! I always wondered what their version of electricfootball was like! Look, over there! It’s a football! Oh, it’s THAT kind of football. That’s fine. I’m still curious to see how kids play that. Hang on, mate. This place is electrified. It’s alright if you don’t touch anything. I’m not.. seeing any plug or boards.. Was this a Parker Brothers game? OH OH OH OOH JESUS OH GOOD LORD OH SWEET HEAVENLY GOD NO OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Stay safe. Stay out. Don’t take a chance with electricity. I’M AFRAID OF BRITAIN NOW! YOU’RE NEW CANADA! YOU’RE NEW CANADA!!! Stay out. Oh, trust me, I will! You electrocute kids like bug zappers! You’re sick! You’re sick, Britain! You can keep your Terry Gilliam, ’cause your sick! YOU’RE SICK!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA finally a starburst commercial ok something a little less freaky we tried this new berries and cream starburst pardon me what kind of starburst you to say very very very thin motels cream oh ok commercial albeit where you going with this berries and cream berries and cream I’m a little latinas berries and cream that isn’t great pretty berries give up just give up give up on everything what are we doing is this really what we’re paying people to give us now we’re denying good writers such wonderful paycheck so that piece-of-shit riders can give us this this was a gift that only the rare exceptional talent could give us and we said yes let’s make this a hit let’s reward the asshole who came up with this on his lunch break stoned off his ass when he went in to pitch that’s commercial and they said Larry you’re stoned off your ass and larry said yes I am and they said well 11 million people are stoned off their asses too because 11 million people watched it on YouTube and not only that they shared it and came back for more they said I’m not talented enough to come up with something so ingenious and he got more there are remixes of this commercial there’s other variations of this commercial from different angles completely different mind you look there’s a virtually says this this new berries and cream stavas that completely changes the dynamic of everything it was trying to accomplish is this one takes out it’s just what if i want to sell this blackout what I feel like rock toes back ouch i put the blackout and that would sound like a giant like a black couches stocks just don’t know the roof if i play that AB I say no to you berries and cream i say no I’ve taken a lot of stupidity over the years but this lunacy madness take I will not this commercial is awful is just stupid an awful i’m sick of insanity be rewarded sick of laziness being counted as clever i want something to make sense there’s good reason for my glistening skin and how my pores are so clean clear i eat little baby’s ice cream it keeps me young it keeps me light on my feet I spring from activity to activity when you eat little baby’s ice cream you’ll wink and nod with great enthusiasm ice cream is a feeling okay okay yeah I apologize that version of me has expired he simply had nothing more to give he tried he tried very very hard to look inside himself to find something anything that he could offer but in the end you just took too much from my world it just took too much from he will be missed a moment of silence me on the other hand what wow this is the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen this is for something cool little baby’s ice cream its can pass out of any little babies watching it it’s so terrifying even convinced this made for little babies i think it’s made out of little babies don’t believe me watch it again and just take out the ice cream part tell me if it makes a little too much sense i eat little babies it keeps me young it keeps me light on my feet when you eat little babies your wink and nod this is a special time little babies is a feeling a little baby’s ice cream as people well if there’s anything I’ve learned from this commercial special it’s that fear sells everything so without further ado I have a black couch to sell and I know the best way to do it back back back out I government school creepy people with pointy heads and chance and security with yours refine the car for 30 kids that eat your soul with 0200 black cheese Nostalgia Critic at pleasantries ok don’t get that scared I just making a real fast announcement here on December forth that’s a sunday at 11am at the barnes and noble in naperville illinois my brother and I are doing a short little panel just about an hour long talking about Christmas specials the best and worst Christmas specials there are and we’re going to invite you guys to bring up some of your favorites and some of your worse and afterwards we’re going to have a little meat and greed you know will sign autographs and dvds and prints and stuff like that anything you bring design as well and we did this one year before and it went over wonderful we’re just doing it again because we love christmas is coming up and we’re so excited so again that’s naperville illinois the barnes and noble their December forth at 11am we would love to see you guys hopefully we will see you there come on over let’s talk Christmas specials take care you’re running out of time again once again doing the charity shout up this week we are doing the foundation for aids research found in 1985 the foundation for aids research is dedicated to ending the global AIDS epidemic through innovative research with the Freedom and flexibility to respond quickly to emerging areas of scientific promise they play a major role in accelerating the pace of HIV and AIDS research and achieving real breakthroughs they’re funded research has increased our understanding of HIV and has helped lay the groundwork from major advances in the study and treatment of it since 1985 they’ve invested nearly 340 million dollars in its mission and has awarded grants to more than 2,000 research teams worldwide help them win this fight against HIV and AIDS by going to their site watching their inspiring videos and donating today there can be a cure if we all do our best to make an appt take a look and please donate