[theme music] David: Ok, campers. Quiet down, everyone, please. [ambient noise] David: Please, the theater demands your utmost respect- Gwen: SHUT YOUR YAPS, IT’S TIME FOR THE PLAY! David: Ahem, thank you Gwen. Gwen: DON’T MENTION IT! David: Tonight’s presentation is brought to you by theater camp’s very own: Preston Goodplay! *unexcited clapping* Preston: Thank you, thank you. It is with great pleasure that I welcome you to tonight’s production. Written and directed, of course, by me. It is a classic tale of forbidden love, betrayal, and friendship. So without further ado I present to you: Romeo and Juliet II: Love Ressurrected [weak applause] [coughing] ♫OOOOOOHHHH ♫There’s a place I know that’s tucked away, ♫a place where you and I can stay, ♫where we can go to laugh and play, ♫and have adventures every day! ♫I know it sounds hard to believe but guys and gals it’s true! ♫Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! ♫We’ll swim through lakes and climb up trees, ♫catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees! ♫There’s endless possibilities, ♫and no that’s not hyperbole! ♫Our motto’s Campe Diem ♫and that means I’m telling yooooou… ♫We’ve got ♫Archery, hiking, search and rescue, biking Horseback, training that’ll save you from a heart attack ♫Scuba diving, miming ♫Keeping up with rhyming ♫Football, limbo, science, stunting ♫Pre-calc, spaceships, treasure hunting ♫Bomb defusal, no refusal ♫Fantasies, circus trapeze ♫And fights, and ghosts, and paints, and snakes ♫And knives, and chess, and dance, and weights ♫It’s Camp Camp! Max: This is absolutely humiliating! Neil: What a waste of time! I could be working on that flame-thrower right now. Nikki: I hate being Juliet! I wanna be someone cool, like Xena, or Rambo! You nervous about your big kiss scene? Neil: Don’t remind me! I’m already freaking out! Nikki: Y’know Juliet should’ve done karate instead of kissing boys. HIYAH! Maybe she wouldn’t have died then. David: Has anyone seen my phone? I must have dropped it while doing my smile exercises. Gwen: Don’t admit to that… [sinister laughter] Nikki: Is that David’s phone? Max: Pipe down, I’m checking his… Oh my God, he has a Tinder account. Nikki: Tinder? What’s that? Max: Oh, it’s that dating app for losers who can’t meet people in real life Nicki: Ohh, yeah! My dad used that when my mom left him… Again. Neil: Guuyys, you’re just adding to my anxiety! If you don’t return the phone, I’m going to have a panic attack, and that’s on you! Max: Oh man, he’s got like seven pictures on his profile. Tch, can you say desperate? Preston: Wizard! You’re about to get your cue! I will not have you ruffians RUIN MY BIG DEBUT! Now get! Space Kid: I’m afraid we have no other choice We must turn to… Pause… Black magic! Max: Yo, did someone say black magic? Preston: *Facepalm* Amatuers! Space Kid: Ahh, mighty wizard! Please revive our daughter, who died so foolishly. Max: What’s in it for me? Space Kid: Ummuh, that’s not your line… Max: Yeah, I’m just messin’. Okay! One revived daughter, comin’ right up. Latinus speakitus revivedeadjuliettus Man, who wrote this? Nikki: I’m baaaaack! Preston: That’s the end of Act I. Intermission time. GO GET SOME SNACKS!!! Max: Welp, that’s it for me. Preston: Thanks for your contribution. An inanimate object stuffed with hay could have acted better! Platypus, you’re doing great! Stole the scene! Keep it up! Platypus: Muack! Preston: Alright people, get your SHIT together! Max: You’re up next. Break a leg, buddy. Neil: You’re right! If I’m injured, I can’t perform! Hit me! Hit me hard! It’s gotta look convincing. *weak slap* *surprised girly man grunt* *camera sound* Neil: What are you doing? Max: Changing David’s Tinder profile, of course. Hey, how do you spell conquistador? *ominous music* Tabii: There he is! Look how nervous he is. God, he’s so HAWT! Sasha: He’s obviously a loser, Tabii. Tabii: Oh, look how the sweat on his upper lip glistens in the moonlight. *Glass shattering and a woman screaming in sheer horror* Sasha: I can’t believe we came all the way to this hella gross camp to see him. There’s, like, dirt everywhere. Tabii: Our love is forbidden just like Romeo and Juilet’s. But we will be together even if it costs us our lives. UGH! It’s so romantic! I wanna die! Sasha: He called us cunts last time he saw us… Tabii: Whatever. I know he wants my bod. I’m gonna make that kissing scene so hot, it’ll be rated TV Y 7. He will be mine! Erin: Back from the snack bar! Sasha: Ooh, did you get my pumpkin spice? Erin: Totes. Dolph: At long last, mein creation is complete! Be reborn! [thunder] Neil: [robotically] Systems startup. Installing Windows update. Dolph: Yes! Rise! Rise und be reborn Robo-Romeo. Neil:The breath of life is returned to me. Pray tell, Friar Lawrence, where is my Juilet? Dolph: It appears, my son, in her sorrow, she killed herself. [music] Neil: Nooo! [cheery music] Preston: Ugh. Why is he so sweaty? Robots can’t sweat. THIS ISN’T CANON! You’re doing great Nurf. [sniffing] Nikki: Ugh. What smells like daisies? Voice: Wow. Nicki? You’re, like, such a good actor. Nikki: Oh, thank you, omnious offscreen voice- Wait a minute- GAH! Somebody help me! Max: Oh hello Bonquisha. Yes, I will swipe right. Neil: I am now machine but my heart still makes me human. And my sweet Juilet is no more. Why should I be brought back to such miserable conditions? Tabii: Fret not, Robo-Romeo. Neil: Uhh. Tabii? With two I’s? Tabii: No, yon fool. I’m Juilet, your one true love. Doth you not remember? I am no spectre. I have been revived! Preston: I don’t know who this bitch is, but she is killing it! Ah! Tabii: Oh, Robo-Romeo, soon the evil empire will be upon us and you’ll have to fight to save the galaxy. Let us kiss one last time
[Neil makes distressed noises] before you possibly die in the battle. [makes kissy noises] Preston:Yes! Yes! [kissy noises continue] Bonquisha: Who the hell is this ho? Neil: Wait, who- who are you? Bonquisha: Don’t you who are you me David. You call yourself a conquistador. I thought we had meaningful texts. I told you my age, sex, and location. Gwen: Oh my god. Tabii: Uh, excuse me? Who’s this? Bonquisha: Well, David, explain yourself. Neil: I’m not David! Tabii: He’s my Romeo! You best step off before I rip that weave off your head. Bonquisha: Oh, you wanna go, little girl? [fighting noises] David:I need to stop this. Gwen: Why? This is awesome. Whoo! You go girl! Max: Oh man, this is going better than I could have hoped! Preston: You! You did this! You little rat! Max: Of course I did. Your play’s stupid, Preston. David: Max! What is this? Max: Oh hey David! Uh, found your phone. Preston: I’m not sure how this could get any worse. [sirens] [car screeching] Agent #2: Nobody move. We’ve pinpointed some questionable searches from a phone in this area. Agent #1: Such searches include how to blow up a summer camp, super murder plot, and what do boobies look like? David: Ah, dangit. Agent #2: There he is. Agent #1: Get him! Prestion: The theatre! The cruelest mistress of all! My career! Like the mistakes of so many teenage girls, has been aborted. Agent #2: You’re going away for a long time, buddy. David: You can’t take me to prison. I’ve been framed! I’m just like Steven Avery! [sighs] Max: Wait. I can fix this. Everyone stop. [groans] Agent #2: Who is this wizkid? Max: Bonquisha, I’m sorry. You were texting me all along. I took David’s phone just to mess with him I led you on. Bonquisha: Oh, nobody plays Bonquisha like that. Gwen:Kick his ass! David: Max, shame on you. My apologies, ma’am. Tabii: What about me? Where’s my apology? Max: I’m gonna be honest. I’m not sure who you are. Agent #2: Well, the kid apologized. Agent #1: I’d say he learned a lesson. Agent #2: Affirmative. David: Ow! Agent #2: You in charge here? David: Uh, kinda? Agent #2: Hmm. What’s the deal here? Why do you got nerd kid in your theatre camp? Agent #1: Are you guys running some kind of camp scam? David: Oh, no, sirs. Nothing morally grey going on here. Agent #2: Fair enough. Since we have you here, have you seen this man? David: Oh, uh, I’ve been told to tell you no. Agent #1: I can’t argue with that. Agent #2: Let’s get outta here. [car leaving] Tabii: Oh Robo-Romeo. Alas, doomed by the tricks of this wizard and life without my sweet Romeo is a life not worth living. Oh, happy dagger, blah blah blah, Kill me. Bleh. Bonquisha: Damn right. Preston: Attention fellow campers. I would just like to apologize for the sheer absurdness that you’ve witnessed. Please, be kind as you judge this play and if you happen to be from Rotten Tomatoes, please rate Fresh! Thank you! [All booing] Preston: No please! I was setting up a trilogy! Gwen: Give up on your dream! Max: Well, that all worked out! David: You have got some serious explaining to do! Max: I stole your phone and identity and played with women’s hearts. What do you need explained? Bonquisha: Excuse me, sugar. You owe Bonquisha a date. David: I- but- that wasn’t- Bonquisha: Nuh-uh, somebody’s going out with Bonquisha one way or another. David: Guh! Wait! Can’t we just be friends? Sasha: Sorry about our friend. Erin: Yeah. She’s the dumb one. Neil: Ugh. Why am I so sweaty? What did I miss? Max: An Oscar-worthy performance by yours truly. Neil: They don’t give Oscars for stage performances. Max: That’s how good it was. Even Nikki would have been impressed. Neil: Huh. Where is Nikki? Nikki: Guys? Anyone? The blood is rushing to my head! Well, guess it’s time to drink my own pee. ♫Bringing it back for another time ♫another rhyme ♫A solid rhyme. Solidify and petrify ♫you fuckers committing heinous crimses ♫sitting like a sack of shit ♫and benefitting from the fearless ♫Cheerless, shoveled struggle ♫of the men and women never quittin’ ♫Havin’ like a normal day ♫Will mount you pound you bring you down ♫and leave you crawling bawling back to your bed ♫Like it’s a sacred ground ♫You’ll fucking live with nothing, swing your head ♫Until you go insane, less you break the pain ♫And take your life by the fucking reins ♫Drop the newest excuses ♫load ’em up into a tube ♫Lock a cannon set to fire ♫If they’re including you like they’re intruders ♫Seven locks on your door.