Don’t you just hate it when the
news does this. You know, “After that particularly
in-depth and complex look “at the Brexit negotiations,
let’s see what Twitter has to say. “Well, Dave Biscuits from Chester,
says he thinks Brexit is made
out of gravy.” You know? If ever the news goes to Twitter,
it means some editor somewhere couldn’t be fucked to do his job
that day – it’s lazy journalism. But it is easier for us to trawl
through Twitter and find someone that is saying something that
fits our editorial narrative, than it is to find and interview
someone who might actually fucking
know something. “Oh, let’s see what Twitter
has to say.” Who gives a shit?
But what is Twitter, I hear you ask,
if you’re under 25, over 50, or in a loving,
meaningful relationship. Well, Twitter is an online
forum where you post messages up to a maximum of 280 characters. That’s it, really. It’s a way for people to connect,
express ideas and opinions, to share and read news articles from
across the globe, no matter where they live. But more
than anything, it’s something to do whilst taking a dump. So… Let’s see…
Is this up and running? Yes. Perfect,
OK, this is my Twitter account. My last tweet,
for example, was, erm… LAUGHTER All right, just get rid of that. LAUGHTER
Sorry. Basically, you vomit your
opinion into cyberspace. And you see what happens. Normally, someone throws
some shit back at you. Before long, it’s just a monsoon
of vomit and shit. That’s Twitter, in a nutshell,
really. But, OK, for those of
you who don’t know, this is what it looks like. Oh, that’s my, that’s my wife. And her new husband. LAUGHTER I would show you his account,
but he’s blocked me, so… Oh, that’s my son!
Aww. Oh, they’ve changed
the kitchen, I see. LAUGHTER Sorry. Anyway… Sorry. Yeah, where was I?
Yes, Twitter. Yes, yes, there is one reason
and one reason alone, OK, why you should all be
on Twitter and it’s this man. Now, there we are… Actually, actually, just before I
get started, I have been taking a few liberties with the language.
For that, I apologise. But can we kind of start again
for Trump? Can we kind
of reset the fuck button? Cos, I’m going to need some
heavy artillery. You know what I mean?
I’m about to go nuclear. All right.
So, hold on to your hats. All right. OK. Donald Trump, he’s a *****, isn’t he? CHEERING Donald Trump loves Twitter.
He fucking loves Twitter. He calls it an incredible tool,
which, coincidentally… LAUGHTER You’re ahead of me. You’re ahead
of me. Seriously, follow… Follow him on Twitter,
he’s a fucking comedy genius. This one was from about a week ago. Pretty standard stuff. That’s all you need to know.
That’s all you need to know. This is the sort of shit he’s
tweeting about. This is what he’s tweeting about at 4.28am. Oprah fucking Winfrey. Bullshit,
bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. But this is my favourite bit. “Hope Oprah runs, so she can be
exposed and defeated, “just like all of the others.” He sounds like Skeletor! LAUGHTER “..Oprah runs, and she can be
exposed and defeated…just like all
the others!” Sometimes they can be less poetic
and erudite and a little bit more
straight to the point. Let’s take a look at this one. “WITCH HUNT!” Aaaah! Witch hunt! Apropos of nothing, witch hunt! This coming from a man who describes
himself as “a very stable genius.” OK, I know that he describes himself
as a very stable genius because he’s tweeted about
it. Let’s take a look. “I went from VERY
successful businessman “to top TV star.” Ooh, look at you. “..to president of the United States
on my first try.” “On my first try!” “I think that would qualify
as not smart, but genius. “Dot dot dot…dot.” Just the three,
you fucking genius. Just the three. And a very stable genius at that. “Nah-nah-nah-nah, I win, nah-nah!” This man has access
to the nuclear codes. Sometimes they can be less… ..downright hilarious, and, let’s be honest,
quite insidious, to be honest. Let’s take a look
at this three-part tweet. “After consultation with my generals
and military experts…” which it turned out the next
day was a complete lie, according to his generals
and military experts, “..please be advised
that the United States government “will not accept or allow
dot dot dot dot dot. “Dot.” Just the three, you fucking prick!
Just the three. Allow what? Allow what?
What can it be? We had to wait ten minutes to find
out what the US Army will no longer allow,
took him 10 minutes to write
the next 20 words. That’s two words a minute, and some
of those words are “and” and “in”. Allow what? What can it be?
What can it be? “..Transgender individuals…”
Ah, so close, I thought he was going to
say “the blacks”, “..to serve in any capacity
in the US military.” That’s over 10,000 people being fired without warning by their
commander in chief via Twitter. “Our military must be focused on
decisive and overwhelming dot dot “dot dot dot…” Overwhelming…
“..overwhelming victory.” I’ve got no idea what
he’s talking about there. Overwhelming victory. I mean,
the Afghanistan campaign was a complete disaster because of
all the fucking trannies? No idea. “Cannot be burdened with the
tremendous medical costs “and disruption that transgender
in the military would entail. “Thank you.” “Thank you. Thanks for listening. “Thank you. “Thanks. See you, bye. Thank you.” The president of the United States
has just made a massive change to US military policy without having it checked,
verified, discussed, debated. He has no idea whether it’s legal,
possible, constitutional. The answer to that is obviously
certainly no, it isn’t. By the way, the Pentagon
has roundly ignored Donald Trump’s transgender ban,
so fuck you, Donald. Comes to something, doesn’t it, when
you’re celebrating military generals ignoring orders from their democratically elected
commander in chief. What a world we live in. But the main thing you learn from
Donald Trump’s Twitter account is he doesn’t give a shit.
He doesn’t give a fuck! He takes no care over grammar
or spelling and sometimes he doesn’t even understand the word
he’s trying to spell, and sometimes
he makes up new words altogether. He has trouble with there, their and
they’re, as well as to, too and two, which as we all know is
key stage three. And he can’t spell tap! He can’t spell tap. Now, you might say I’m being
a pedant, being a snob. He can’t spell, it’s fine,
I can’t spell, but I’m not the president
the United States with a writing staff of dozens,
which he thinks he doesn’t need. That’s why every time Donald Trump
tweets he is expressing his contempt for the electorate.