Donsplaining | The Daily Show


male announcer:
From Comedy Central’s
World News Headquarters
in New York…
“The Daily Show
with Trevor Noah” presents:
“Donsplaining.”– Do I hit the ball good? Do I hit it long?
Is Trump strong? People don’t know it.
Nobody knows what that means. Right? He knows what
I’m talkin’ about.[light music]– Last night President Trump
was at another campaign rally. This time in Tampa,
and, once again, he said something
that left us going, “Huh?” – The time has come for voter ID like
everything else. Voter ID. [cheers and applause] You know if you go out and you want to buy groceries,
you need a picture on a card. You need ID. You go out and you want
to buy anything you need ID and you need
your picture. [laughter] – Something tells me
this guy has never been
grocery shopping. Like ever. He probably tried it once, but the first thing you see
when you walk in is the produce aisle so he just walked
right back out. He was like,
“Ew, vegetables. Gross. “Oh, ‘gross-eries,’
I get it now. One day I’ll be president!”[sprightly music]– If you have a windmill
anywhere near your house, congratulations, your house
just went down 75% in value. And they say the noise
causes cancer. You told me that one, okay?
[imitates wonky cranking] [laughter] – Okay, I’ve never heard
a windmill before, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t
sound like a cat in a dryer. “Weow, weow. “And don’t get me started
on solar panels– “[imitates cartoonish
wolf howl] “And what about hydropower?
You know the sound water makes. [imitates horse neighing,
galloping]”[cheery music]– China and the United States
are in a faceoff,
a battle for the ages.Whoever controls 5G
is gonna have
an enormous strategic
advantage in the future.
– If we don’t win
the race to 5G, America might never
really become that leading superpower again.– Senator Marco Rubio
compares the race to 5G
to the space race
with the Soviets of the ’50s.
– Yeah, this is serious, folks, and I know right now
what you’re thinking. You’re like, “Oh, my God,
I can’t believe America might lose the race for 5G.” And you’re also thinking,
“What is 5G?” Now, I know it’s weird. 5G sounds like the worst seats
to get on a long flight, but… 5G’s really about the future
of the internet, really. Actually, why don’t I just let the president
explain it to you. – It’s all about 5G now. We were at 4G and everybody
was saying we have to get 4G, and then they said
before that we have to get 3G. And now we have to get 5G
and 5G’s a big deal, and that’s gonna be there
for a while. And I guess,
at some point, we’ll be talking to you
about number 6. What do you think?
You think that’s true, Asia? – Uh, okay. I don’t think the president
understands what 5G is either. [as Trump]
“You got–you got 5G “then 6G and then of course
there’s Kenny G, the smoothest of the Gs.”[elegant classical music]Some exciting news for people who do not like dying
in a plane crash. – Breaking news:
President Trump says the United States will issue
an emergency order grounding all
Boeing 737 Max As after reviewing evidence from
the Ethiopian airline’s crash. The U.S. is essentially
the very last country to ban the aircraft
from flying. Here’s the president. – Any plane currently
in the air will go to its destination
and thereafter be grounded until further notice
so, uh, planes that are in the air
will be grounded… if they are the 737 Max–
will be grounded upon landing
at the destination. – Can we appreciate
how cute he is when he’s trying to explain
something to us that somebody had to explain
to him five minutes ago? He’s like, “All the airplanes
will be grounded, “but not the ones flying, um… “They can land first,
then they will be grounded. “Um, some people didn’t
understand “how you can ground
a plane in the sky, “but I’m not those people. I knew always.
Those ones will be grounded.” So as of today, any plane that might be unsafe
to fly will be grounded until it can be repainted with “Spirit Airlines”
on the side. Spirit Airlines:
how are we not grounded?[graceful classical music]This has been a wild week for the Trump presidency, making it the 124th
wild presidency week in a row. It started a few days ago
when Trump averted a crisis of his own making
by deciding not to impose tariffs
on Mexico because he said
he made a deal. However, critics pointed out that many of the things
that Mexico promised to do to stop illegal immigration
were the same promises that they had made
months before, but then Trump came back saying that he had
a secret deal with Mexico, which no one believed. So yesterday he did this. [helicopter whirring] – Can you show us?
– What is that– – That’s the agreement that
everyone says I don’t have. So–no, because
I’m gonna let Mexico do the announcement
at the right time. For Mexico, they want
to go through it, but here’s the agreement.
It’s a very simple agreement. – Okay, okay. There are two possibilities
here. And neither of them are good. Either the president
just whipped out a takeout menu and claimed it’s
a secret agreement with Mexico, which it could be, or it’s a real agreement and the president
is just walking around with secret documents
in his pocket. Right, the same guy
who was worried about Hillary’s server
getting hacked by Russians, meanwhile he could get hacked
by a gust of wind. Or even worse,
a pigeon. ‘Cause he’d just be like,
“And here it is, “the secret document “that–ah! Stop that pigeon! “Stop that pigeon! It’s headed to the Kremlin.”♪ ♪announcer: “Donsplaining.”announcer: “Donsplaining.”[light music]– With all the support
behind him, President Trump decided
to plow forward on proving his case
for a border wall. So today,
the commander in chiefput on his travel
Barbie outfit
and flew down
to the southern border
to get a first-hand account
of the situation,
and while he was therehe gave us all
a drunk history lesson.
– They say a wall
is medieval. Well, so is a wheel. A wheel is older
than a wall. And I looked,
and every single car out there, even the really
expenses ones that the secret service
uses, and, believe me,
they are expensive– I said, “Do they all
have wheels?” “Yes.”
“Oh. I thought
it was medieval.” The wheel is older
than the wall, you know that? And, uh, there are some things
that work. You know what?
A wheel works, and a wall works. – You know, if a football player
got up after a tackle and started talking like that,
the trainer would be like, “We need to get you
to the locker room now. Your brain is not okay.” [laughter, applause] And just, by the way,
I don’t even– I can’t believe
we have to say this– if there are any kids watching that are gonna use this
on a history test walls are actually
much
older than the wheel, right? 6,000 years older
than the wheel. [cheers and applause] Like, back in the day,
cavemen had walls. So I guess people should stop
calling Trump a Neanderthal because a Neanderthal
would know that. #NotMyNeanderthal. President Trump is demanding
$5 billion from U.S. taxpayers
to fund the wall, which is weird,
because during the campaign he might have mentioned
once or twice another idea
for where the wall money would come from. – I will build
a great, great wall on our southern border and I will have Mexico
pay for that wall. [overlapping] Mexico is going
to pay for the wall. Mexico is going
to pay for the wall 100%. Who’s gonna pay for the wall? crowd: Mexico! The only thing worse
than one Trump is many Trumps. “Mexico’s gonna pay for it.” That was Trump’s
signature catchphrase. More than
any other catchphrase. More than “you’re fired.” More than
“make America great again.” Even more than “Don’t tell
my wife about this.” But we never should have
actually believed that Mexico was going to pay
for the wall, because every time
someone asked Trump how Mexico would pay he had a completely different
explanation. – There will be a payment. It will be in a form, perhaps a complicated form. One way or the other, Mexico’s
gonna pay for the wall. That’s right. It may be through
reimbursement, but one way or the other,
Mexico will pay for the wall. The wall will pay for itself
on a monthly basis. We’re working
on a tax-reform bill that will generate revenue
from Mexico that will pay for the wall. We have a trade deficit
with Mexico of $58 billion. All I have to do
is start playing with that trade deficit, and believe me, they’re gonna
pay for the wall. They may even write us a check by the time
they see what happen. Obviously, they’re not
gonna write a check. It’s gonna be paid for
by Canada by the way. It’s gonna be paid for–
maybe I’ll get Canada to pay. Gonna be paid for by Mexico. – Wait, what? You know, Donald Trump
is truly a legend. Instead of admitting
that he misspoke, he’d rather try and make Canada
pay for the wall. He’s just like,
“Yeah, Canada’s gonna pay– “I mean–yeah, actually
Canada’s gonna pay I might make them pay
for the wall.” And shame. Canada’s so nice,
they’d probably do it. They’d be like, “Um,
this is not really ‘aboot’ us but I guess we’ll pay, eh?” Also, what did that mean
when he’s like, “The wall will pay for itself
monthly”? He made it sound like America
was gonna go to the wall and be like,
“You got our money, wall?”[spirited music]Since just yesterday the president has given
not one not five, but three
separate interviews Now, I don’t know why
I said it that way but what’s important is that President Trump
has been sharing his thoughts on a variety of topics, including his favorite
Chinese hoax, climate change.– Yesterday,
when the Associated Press
told him that scientist sayit is nearing a point
where this can’t be reversed,
Trump responded, “No, no.“Some say that and some say
differently.
“I mean, you have scientists
on both sides of it.
“My uncle was
a great professor
“at MIT for many years.Dr. John Trump.“And I didn’t talk to him
about this particular subject
but I have a natural instinct
for science…”
– Okay. Okay, that’s…
that’s interesting. Just in case you missed that,
Trump says he doesn’t believe
in man-made climate change because his uncle
was a scientist and that means that Trump has a natural instinct
for science. Now, he also says he never
spoke to his uncle about climate change. He just has
the science knowledge. You know, it’s in his blood. Right? Now, I think
that’s cholesterol but that’s not the point. Like, none of this makes
any sense. Just because his uncle
was good at science doesn’t mean that Trump
is good at science. That’s not how it works. If a pilot has a heart attack,
they’re never like, “Is anyone on this plane
related to a pilot?” “My cousin watched
that ‘Sully’ movie once.” “All right,
you land the plane!” – President Trump explaining
why he is so skeptical of his own administration’s
report on the dire consequences
on climate change. He tells “The Washington
Post”… – Clearly the president
doesn’t believe in the science
or the English because if you’re trying
to say you’re too smart
to believe in climate change, it doesn’t help
when your argument ends with “It’s right now
at a record clean.” Like, it makes him sound
super dumb. Or maybe–maybe Trump is
so intelligent that he’s leaving
English behind. Maybe that’s what it is.
Yeah. He’s developing something
totally new. You know,
he’s like those aliens from the movie “Arrival.” Like, we just need Amy Adams
to interpret for us. – [breathing slowly] – There is a cooling
and there’s a heating. They go, “Global warming.”
They go, “Climate change.” They go–now it’s sort
of–I hear a lot of extreme weather. If it’s cold, it’s okay. If it’s hot, it’s okay. If it’s windy, if it’s hot,
if–everything’s extreme. Trust me, I’m like
a smart person. – She was trying. She was really trying.[elegant classical music]♪ ♪With Hurricane Florence
barreling toward the east coast, everyone is preparing
for the worst. – We have something– it could be very well
very similar to Texas in the sense that it’s
tremendous amounts of water. It’s tremendously big
and tremendously wet. [laughter] Mm. So elegant. So, so, so elegant. Trump sounds like he’s doing
a book report on hurricanes, and he forgot to read the book. He’s like, “Tremendously big
and tremendously wet. “Uh–oh, and a lot of people
don’t know this. “The rain is coming
from the top, from the top,
high up.”♪ ♪announcer: “Donsplaining.”announcer: “Donsplaining.”[light music]♪ ♪[rousing, mysterious music]♪ ♪– Thank you so much
for doing this.– It’s great to be here today.– So what are we gonna learn
about today?– Our first Republican
president,
Abraham Lincoln,ran his first campaignfor public office in 1832when he was only 23 years old.He began by imagittering–[music slows, stops]– I’m sorry, “imagitting?”– Imagittering the benefits
a railroad could bring
to his port of Illinoiswithout ever having seena steam-powered train.He had no idea.30 years later,
as president,
Lincoln signed the law
that built
the first transcontinental
railroad,
uniting our countryfrom ocean to ocean.Great president.Most people don’t even know
he was a Republican, right?
Does anyone know?Lot of people
don’t know that.
– I knew,
but yeah, sure. [cannon fires]– And then,
in the American Civil War,
a true great fighterand a great general,
Robert E. Lee.
– Oh, we’re learning
about him now? Okay.– Robert E. Lee
was winning battle
after battle, after battle.– [groans] [both groan] [gunfire]– And I’ll tell you why.Abraham Lincoln came home.He said, “I can’t beat
Robert E. Lee.”
And he had all
of his generals.
They looked great.They were the top
of their class at West Point.
They were the greatest people.There’s only one problem.They didn’t know how the hell
to win.
They didn’t know how to fight.They didn’t know how.And one day…
[paper thuds]it was looking really bad.And Lincoln just said,“you.”Hardly knew his name.And they said,
“Don’t take him.
He’s got a drinking problem.”And Lincoln said, “I don’t
care what problem he has.
You guys aren’t winning.”♪ ♪And his name was Grant.
General Grant.
[crowd cheering]It’s unbelievable, isn’t it?Isn’t it unbelievable?[crowd clapping, cheering]It’s unbelievable.♪ ♪And he went in and he knocked
the hell out of everyone.
♪ ♪– [yelling]– And you know the story.They said to Lincoln,“You can’t use him anymore.He’s an alcoholic.”And Lincoln said,“I don’t care
if he’s an alcoholic.
Frankly, give me six or seven
more just like him.”
– [retches]– Grant really did.
He had a serious problem.
A serious drinking problem.But, man, was he
a good general.
And he’s finally
being recognized
as a great general.
– Sure is, yeah.♪ ♪– Grant figured it out,
and Grant is a great general.
[crowd cheering]Ulysses S. Grant.– [swallows, burps][bright music]– American rapper A$AP Rocky has been detained
by Swedish police for his involvement
in a suspected assault, and now he spends
almost three weeks in jail. Now, luckily for A$AP, he has some powerful friends
lobbying for his release. And this is not like
the usual hashtag stuff. No, these friends
have gone straight to the top. – A host of celebrities have
been calling for his release,including Kanye West
and Kim Kardashian,
who have been lobbying
the White House,
and now President Trump
is using the weight
of his office to get
A$AP Rocky out of jail.
– I personally don’t know
A$AP Rocky,but I can tell you
that his tremendous support
from the African American
community in this country–
and when I say
African American, I think I can really say
from everybody in this country because we’re all one. [laughter] [as Trump]
“That’s right, folks. “We’re all one. “And anyone who doesn’t agree
with that “can go back
to their shithole country. “Send her back! “Send her back. Done.” [applause] You know, this is one
of those moments where I generally
cannot believe that we’re living
in real life. No, because just–like,
listen to the story. Donald Trump,
who is the president of the United States, got a call from his friend, Kanye West, to save a rapper from a Swedish prison. This sounds like a headline
written by a newspaper on LSD. It’s just like
the craziest shit ever. What’s also insane,
just by the way, is how, like,
powerful Kanye West is in this situation. It’s almost like he uses
his MAGA hat like a magic lamp. He just, like, rubs it
and then Trump comes out. He’s like, “What do you need?” “Got another problem.
I need your help.”♪ ♪announcer: “Donsplaining.”announcer: “Donsplaining.”[light music]– Lost in translation.2020 Democrats trying to lure
Hispanic voters
with Spanish websitesand evidently these websites
are really missing the mark.
– Amy Klobuchar’s
Spanish websitehas a number of mistakes,and we’ll begin here
with a translation
that talks about
her announcing her run
from inside
the Mississippi River.
Kamala Harris’ website
here says
“Kamala Harris wasted her lifedefending the values
of her country.”
– And I don’t even know why Fox News is laughing
at this, right? Of all the people,
they can’t laugh because, I mean,
if they watched their boy Trump a few days ago, they would have seen him
struggling to translate English
into English. – No collusion, no obstruction. I hope they now go and take
a look at the oranges. The oranges of the, uh, uh, investigation–the beginnings
of that investigation. The Mueller report
I wish covered the oranges of how it started. [laughter, applause] I like how… I like how he goes away
from the word “oranges” at the beginning, right? At the beginning, he’s like, “Oh, let’s–the beginnings,
the beginnings.” And then he gets confident. He’s like,
“No, no, I got this. “Oranges–God damn it! “God damn it. The origins. The oranges.” Can you imagine
if you’re an immigrant who learned English
from listening to Donald Trump? You wouldn’t make any sense. Like, if you spoke like Trump, you probably wouldn’t pass
your citizenship test, right? Someone would be there like,
“The oranges of America have inspired me bigly.” They’d be like, “Sir,
your citizenship is denied.” “Oh, come on,
don’t be a covfefe, ah?”♪ ♪announcer: “Donsplaining.”

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