Jordan Peterson: Why Do Nice Guys Nice Finish Last? (MUST WATCH)

If you ask a disagreeable person what he wants, say, or she wants, they’ll tell you right away.
They know. It’s like “This is what I want and this is how I’m gonna get it.” But agreeable people,
specially if they’re really agreeable, are so agreeable, that they often don’t even know what they want. Cause they’re so accustomed to living
for other people, and to finding out what other people want, and to trying to
make them comfortable, and so forth, that is harder for them to find a sense of their own desires
as they move through life. And that’s not- Look, there’s situations where that’s advantageous, but it’s certainly not advantageous
if you’re going to try to forge yourself a career. That just doesn’t work at all. And so, even though, on average men and women don’t- this- don’t- aren’t that much different in terms
of their levels of agreeableness by the group, if you go out and you look at the extremes,
they are very different. So all of the most agreeable people are women,
and all of the most disagreeable people are men. And the thing is the extremes are often what matter, rather than what’s in the middle. And so one of the ways that’s reflected
in society, by the way, is there’s way more men in prisson and the best personality predictor of being imprissoned is to be low in agreeableness. It makes you callous. Now you may think “Well, what’s the opposite of compassion and politeness?” And the answer to that is, I think it’s best sort of conceptualized as a- as a trading game. So let’s say that we’re going to play repeated trading games.
And if you’re very agreeable, then you’re gonna bargain harder on my behalf, than you’re gonna bargain on your own behalf. Whereas if you’re disagreable,
you’re gonna do the reverse. You’re gonna think “I’m in this trading game for me,
and you’re gonna take care of your own interest.”
Where an agreeable person is gonna say “No, no. At best, this is- At worst this has to be 50/50, but I’d like to help you every way I can.” One of the things you have
to be carefull of if you’re agreeable, is not to be exploited. Because you’ll line up to be exploited. And I think the reason for that is because you’re wired to be exploited by infants. And so, that just doesn’t work
too well in the actual world. And one of the things, one of the things
that happens very often in psychotherapy you know, people come to psychotherapy
for multiple reasons, but one of them is they often come
because they’re too agreeable. And so what they get is
so called ‘Assertiveness Training’. Although it’s not exactly assertiveness
that’s being trained. What it is is the ability to learn how to
negotiate on your own behalf. And one of the things I tell agreeable people, specially if they´re conscientious, is Say what you think, tell the truth about what you think. There’s gonna be things you think
that you think are nasty and harsh. And they probably are nasty and harsh,
but they’re also probably true. And you need to bring those up to the forefront
and deliver the message. And it’s not straight-forward at all
because agreeable people do not like conflict. Not at all. They smooth the water. You know when you can see,
you can see why that is, in accordance with a hypothesis
that I’ve been putting forward. You don’t want conflict around infants. It’s too damn dangerous.
You don’t want fights to break out. You don’t want anything to disturb
the relative peace. You know, and if you’re also more prone to being hurt, physically, and perhaps emotionally, you’re also maybe loath to engage in the kind of high intensity conflict, that would solve problems in the short term, because a lot of conflict- It takes a lot of conflict
to solve problems in the short term. And, you know, if that can spirale up to where is dangerous, which it can if it gets uncontrolled, it may be safer in the short term to keep the water smooth,
and to not dive into those situations where conflict emerges. The problem with that is it’s not a very good
medium-to-long-term strategy, right? ‘Cause there’s a lot of times there are
things you have to talk about. Because they’re not gonna go away. And the advantage to having a well-socialized disagreeable person is that they really don’t let much get in their way. So if you can get a kid who’s disagreeable socialized, that person can be quite, quite a creature, you know? Because they’re very- They’re very forward-moving in their nature
and very difficult to stop. But if you don’t get them successfully domesticated, tamed, roughly speaking, by the time they’re four, their parents reject them. And that’s a big problem because your job as a parent is to make your child
socially desirable by the age of four. You’ve gotta- You wanna burn that into your brain because people don’t know that.
That’s your job. And here’s, here’s why, it’s easy,
if you think about it carefully. So imagine you’ve got a three-year-old child so sort of half way through that initial
period of socialization. And you take that child out in public. Ok, what do you want for the child? Who cares about you?
What do you want for the child? You want the child to be able
to interact with other children and adults, so that the children are welcoming and smile and want to play with him or her and so the adults are happy to see the child
and treat him or her properly. And if your child’s a horrible little monster
because you’re afraid of disciplining them, or you don’t know how to do that properly, then what they’re gonna do? They’re going to experience nothing
but rejection from other children, and false smiles from other parents and adults. And that’s so then you’re throwing
the child out into a world where every single face that they see, is either hostile or lying. And that’s not something that’s
going to be particularly conducive to the mental health or the well-being of your child. If your child can learn a couple
of simple rules of behavior like “Don’t interrupt adults
when they’re talking too much” and “Pay attention” and “Try not to hit the other kids over the head with a truck any more than it’s absolutely necessary” then- and, you know, and “Share” and “Play properly”. Then, when they meet other kids, the kids
are gonna try out a few little play routines on them and that’s gonna go well and then they’re gonna go off and socialize each other for the rest of their lives. Because that’s what happens. It’s that from four years old onwards. The primary socialization with children
takes place among other children. And so if the kids don´t get in on
that early, they don’t move into that developmental spiral upwards, and they’re left behind. And you can imagine how terrible that is, because a four-year-old would not play with
another four-year-old who’s two. But a five-year-old certainly will not play with a five-year-old who’s two, right? ‘Cause the gap is just starting to get unbelievably large. And so the kids start out behind and then the peers leave them behind, and then those kids are alienated and
outside the peer group for the rest of their life. Those are the ones that grow up to be long-term anti-social, right. They’re already aggressive. It doesn’t deep down. Now, what happens to normal boys, roughly speaking? Imagine that aggressive
two-year-old types get socialized, so their level of aggression goes down. And then they hit puberty and
testosterone kicks in and bang! Levels of aggression go back up. And so that’s why males are criminals
between the ages, roughly, of 16 and about 25. So, when it matches the creativity curve,
by the way, it’s so cool. If you look at the spike of creativity
among men 16 to 25, and it starts to go down. Criminality matches that absolutely perfectly. That’s quite cool. So and part of-
So, the testosterone levels raise the average
level of aggression among men. It’s more dominance than aggression, actually and testosterone is, by no means, all bad. And then starts to decrease about age 25 or 26,
which is usually when men stop staying up late at night, stop drinking as much, develop a full-time career, and take on burdens and responsibilities and opportunities that are associated with a long-term partner and family. And so- Well, so that’s the development of what I would call predatory aggression. Because I also think that the agreeableness distribution is probably something like predatory aggression versus maternal sympathy.
It’s something like that. So, if you look at other mammals,
that are predators, ’cause we’re predators, as well as prey animals. If you look at other animals like bears, the male bear has absolutely nothing to do
with the raising of the infants. In fact, the female bears would keep
the male the hell away because he’s likely to kill the infants
and maybe even to eat them. So there’s no maternality at all in solitary male mammalian predators. It’s really useful to investigate the viewpoints of people who have opposing views to yours. Because they’ll tell you things-
Not only will they tell you things you don’t know, they’ll also tell you how to see the world
in ways that you don’t see it. And they’ll also have skills that you don’t have,
that you could develop. So, for example, if you’re an
introverted person, it’s very useful to watch an extroverted person,
because the extroverted person has ways of being in the social world
that aren’t natural to you, that you can use as- to improve your tool kit. And if you’re disagreeable, one of the
best things to do with disagreeable people, specially if that’s alienating them from other people, for example, because it can, you know? People treat you like you’re a selfish, arrogant, son of a- maybe that’s because you are. It’s like- Ok, so what do you do about that? One of the most promising treatments -let’s say for that-, is get the person to do something for someone else once a day, just as a practice, and learn how to do it. Maybe you can wake the circuit up, you know? If you think that it’s lying dormant in you,
which is probably right. You know, I think we have a very wide range
of propensities within us. Some are switched on: genetic propensities. Some are switched on. But I think that if
you put yourself in the right situation or walk yourself through the right exercises, you can switch some of these other things on as well. But it takes work, and dedication and discipline, too. I would say generally speaking, if you want
to adapt yourself properly to life, you should find a niche in the environment that corresponds with your temperament, right. You shouldn’t work at cross-purposes
to your temperament, because it’s just too damn difficult. But having done that, then you should work on developing the skills and viewpoints that exist in the space opposite to your personality. Because that’s where you’re
fundamentally underdeveloped. Now, well, I think you can extend out your temperamental capability across a wider range. And to me that’s roughly equivalent as
bringing a richer tool kit to each situation. You know, so if you’re hyper-extroverted, you should probably learn to shut up in parties now and then and listen just to see what’s going on, to
see if you can manage it, you know? And if you’re introverted, well, then you should learn how to
speak in public, and to learn how to go to parties without hiding in the corner and saying nothing to anyone, you know? And if you’re agreeable, then you need to learn how to be disagreeable, so people can’t push you around. And if you’re disagreeable, you need to learn how to be agreeable, so you’re not an evil son of a b- So, and the same thing applies even in the conscientious domain It’s like if you’re too conscientious you need to learn to relax and let go a little bit. And if you’re unconscientious it’s time like get out the Google Calendar, man,
and start scheduling your day, right? And beat yourself on the back of the head with a stick until you’re disciplined enough so that you can actually stick to
something for some length of time. And not living in absolute squalor, which is something that would characterize someone who’s very disorderly, for example, ’cause they just, they don’t notice. It doesn’t bother them, disorder.
It’s like- Maybe they can see it, but it doesn’t have
any emotional valance. so it doesn’t have any motivational significance. Now, so, the other thing you might wanna think
about too if you’re choosing a partner is try not to choose someone who’s too distant from you on the temperamental variables. Because you’re gonna have a hard time
bridging the gap, you know? It’s hard for an introverted person and
an extroverted person to coexist. And it’s really hard for an orderly person
and a disorderly person to coexist ’cause they will drive each other nuts. “Why don’t you pick up?”
“Why are you so obsessed by it?” That’s the basic argument, you know? So, it’s useful to know about your
temperament so that you can negotiate a space with your partner,
and the other way as well. And I don’t think you should try to find
someone who’s exactly the same as you. Because then you don’t have the benefits
of the alternative viewpoint. But you gotta watch it, because you may hit irreconcilable differences of various sorts. And I’ve seen that most particularly
among couples who are high and low in openness, that’s a rough one. And also high and low in conscientiousness,
that’s another rough one. ‘Cause they just cannot see how the other person sees the world at all.

69 thoughts on “Jordan Peterson: Why Do Nice Guys Nice Finish Last? (MUST WATCH)

  1. i feel like one of the reasons it is bad if you are a pushover is you give up too much of yourself, lt gives others the idea that you don't think very highly of your time or money/help, so why should anyone. One thing that potential mates look for is an air of selfishness, not with your SO of course. It is because when you have a family, you become one entity, and you should see the family as a unit with yourself, you must be selfish with it. All others must come second to your family

  2. Well made. Great summary of JBP lectures. Gospel truth right here.

  3. 0:55 I disagree with that. They show it differently, but basically … they are all the same. Women have more subtle ways of showing their diagreeableness. And often… they show it with an agreeable smile.

  4. This is 99% me. As long as I can remember, I have been the supposedly nice guy. I have had some good memories too. But I did not get what I wanted in a lot of important matters. I have memories from my first grade which bothered me and the reason behind them was I couldn't say NO to others. I lost a million opportunities though I had a chance to grab them. I will have to listen to Jordan a million times so I will be brainwashed

    I still edit my comments on social media a million times before posting 🤣 That's the sign of an agreeable guy needs serious help.

  5. Just love the way it's the macho alpha male dudes who put down nice guys and imagine they're Christians. But with leadership like JP, what can you expect? It's just a big wank fest.

  6. lmfao I cant believe people take this guy seriously. I finally forced myself to watch 30 seconds of him. unfuckingbearable. this dude is just a perpetual ranter. he rants on and on from one thing to the next with no particular point, giving examples that I'm sure were traumatic for a child that hes still bitter about. i get it. you were rejected as a kid and have a chip on your shoulder about it. this guy is mentally imbalanced. looks abusive af

  7. Hey there is a new video about Jordan Peterson on my channel. Make sure you check it out. @nCTU

  8. I used to beat my wife up – I got up at 7:00 AM and she slept in till 8:00 or 9:00 …

  9. Can someone translate this video to Indonesian language please… I curios to know.. My english not good.

  10. Peterson is a classic fault tinder and labeler. You can never please the bastard. Agree and you don't even know what you want and you are a pussy. Disagree with him and you are "taking offense. You want to be exploited? Keep agreeing with this asshole.

  11. When I told my girlfriend's mom (the first time I met her) that I had won the lottery, her first reaction was complete disbelief. Until she looked me in the eyes and knew I was serious.
    Then she basically screamed at me, " OMG what! Are you serious?
    When? "
    "Yep" I announced.
    "The first second I met your daughter."
    The celebration didn't last quite as long as I thought it would.

  12. Can i ask women to create an app for guys to run their 'best' lines by before embarrassing themselves and their entire bloodline.

  13. Some may misunderstand this message and end up becoming nasty in the long run .
    To me a nice guy is someone who act nice while he's hurt inside therefore he's not nice but pretending to be nice .

  14. The title is so misleading, I watched the entire lecture it has nothing to do with nice guys, if anything is about middle aged highly agreeable women, but that's it. Not at all nice guys

  15. I'm too agreeable for my own good. I'm trying to be better because of Jordan Peterson

  16. He makes things far to complicated than it has to be, beating around the bush all the time, be straight up Jordan , What are you trying to tell men to do, be ugly, and horrible to their fellow man? Horrible advice Jordan from such a inspirational and influential man ,I do like some of you advice but not everything you preach is relatable.

  17. Being very agreeable is a problem only where it interferes with the deep continual implementation of a responsibility to serve others. If agreeableness is in harmony with that idealistic responsibility than it is not a problem.

  18. The part where he mentions the changes in men around 25 to 26 as someone who is going to be 25 very soon completely caught me off guard. Like, all the changes he mentioned are essentially what I've been going through the past year or so. I couldn't help but laugh and say "Oh wow it me"

  19. After listening to almost all of his videos he's convinced me that Genisis is 100% correct: women are pure narcissistic evil. That's made it really easy to be as mean to women as I want… and what an improvement to my life! He's a genius! I absolutely love judging women hypercritically, finding the thing they're most self-conscious about, and then using that to devastate them emotionally. In the genetic game of life men who know how to hit it and quit it are the biggest winners of all.

  20. That's not totally true:
    If an alpha guy, Tyrone, Chad or bad boy fucks a girl the next bad boy or nice guy could be the last (2nd but the last)
    If she stops fucking of course.
    If you are not 1st, you finish last.

  21. Finish her. Then begin. Get a couple more points during, and when you're done, it's all good.

  22. Nothing wrong with bein nice. Its actually a strength. As long as u dont let ppl mistake that kindness for weakness. Just dont be afraid to say or do anything. If u need to bash a cunt fkn do it .. but still be nice 😂

  23. Bugger. I am nice but not agreeable… that's me f**ked then. I did actually once hit another kid over the head with a truck at primary school. Too be fair he was being a dick.

  24. Your behaviour not like how many mornings I wake up and see where I see it how many times cheating yourself. I am protect my self it now . What you say now everything in cheating only I believe it my self .you are not help others you help only in your country human helpless persons are more every one like that no use four years nothing help so far .no help no help no help .yshk viswanatham MscBed.

  25. Jordan Peterson's idea of finishing last = having less money. How does that tally with his professed Christianity, and all the empirical psychological evidence which shows that wealth does not make you happy – for example one year after either winning a lottery or losing a limb, the people who lost a limb are happier?

  26. 2.7 million view and only 57k thumbs up? This video is good but perhaps not the top of the list? Watching now

  27. I would love to take Jordan for a pint and have all my opinions and beliefs destroyed

  28. I want to stop being nice but it’s not that easy I’ve been like this my whole life I was grown this way, but I’ll do my best afterwards that I should stop being nice all the time

  29. Mr. Peterson is not that educated if he compares people with animals. We were created people, we haven't evolved from animals like that fairy tale evolution THEORY created by God hating idiots developed

  30. Question. What is to be done when you realize you have been left behind by your peer group to catch back up?

  31. I know exactly what I want and how to get it, but I’m also not happy until my husband gets what he wants and has said that. It doesn’t have to be one way or another.

  32. what are yu doing monetizing someone elses works ?I would never subscribe to your channel ,

  33. The saying Nice Guys Finish Last is taken too literally! Being agreeable is the avenue which is our fault. People will be upset regardless of what you do, and you will loose friends if you don't always agree with others. In the past I have learned in the past not to plan around others. Being too agreeable will just upset someone, that person will be you!

  34. My speech has articulated just by watching his videos. I hardly use 'um', 'you know', ' like' anymore. It's been just one month. Thank you Mr Peterson

  35. Nice guys finish last, because they did not give in to the devil. HEY I AM LOCATED IN TORONTO TOO. I managed to decode the KJV Bible. But no one is interested. For example, if A =6, B = 12, C = 18, D = 24,….., Z=156, then GOD = 156 and CHRIST = 462. Now if you use the CodeFinder software and search the KJV Bible NT for the words "The Father", you will find them 156 times. Also, if you use the CodeFinder software and search the KJV Bible NT for the words "The Lord", you will find them 462 times. Proof of GOD of this nature throughout the KJV Bible goes on and on and on and on, and on. But like I said, no one is interested in it at all. Have a nice day.

  36. Pessoas que tentam agradar demais aos outros, excessivamente prestativas e acessíveis. Descrição de mim. E eu me ferrei.

  37. Horrible title . Good info and stayed for it . So I guess it worked but that’s terrible . J . Peterson rule #4 tell the truth or at least don’t LIE .

  38. 2:30 – " say what you think, tell the truth about what you think.. ". Every time I've done that I get howled down & called an ungrateful bastard !

  39. It's official. He's a junkie. Explains a
    lot. Won't be surprised if he suicides. His life is in chaos. Seems he forgot
    to publish the 13th rule : get wasted.

    It's official. He's a junkie. Explains a
    lot. Won't be surprised if he suicides. His life is in chaos. Seems he forgot
    to publish the 13th rule : get wasted.

  40. I dont know of any one like Dr Peterson; It has been a life change experience to me to listen to him. Awesome

  41. I clicked on this because of the title. I had no clue I was about to learn a lesson from, what seems to be, one of the sharpest minds in society today. This blew me away.

  42. My issue is, as a introverted person I excel at communicating with people. I know this because I have worked in sales for the past decade and work as a customer service manager. I make an above average wage for the area in which I live and can afford everything I need and most of the things I want. What sucks is the thing I'm the best at, I hate. I really don't like dealing with or talking to people much at all but SURPRISE. I constantly find myself not only helping people with issues on a retail level but people will then confide in me about there personal problems. So, how in the hell do I enjoy my life when the area in which I excel I cant stand?

  43. As I understand it, being “kind” carries no expectation of reward. Being “nice”, is the false expectation that kindness will be reciprocated, which is subconsciously abhorrent to most.

  44. I suggest anyone who is going through this problem of being a Nice Guy read the book by Robert Glover called "No More Mr Nice Guy" an absolute must read.

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