Not So Pro-Life After All: The Daily Show


BUT BEFORE ALL THAT,
BREAKING NEWS. IT’S AUTUMN. TIME TO PUT ON OUR SWEATERS,
DRINK SOME APPLE CIDER, AND START PLANNING FOR HALLOWEEN. THIS IS MY FIRST ONE, SO I’M
GOING AS SEXY iPHONE 6S. YEAH, THE S STANDS FOR
SLUTTY. BUT BEFORE WE SAY GOODBYE
TO SUMMER, LET’S TAKE ONE LOOK BACK. TAYLOR SWIFT RULED THE CHARTS
WITH “BAD BLOOD,” CROP-TOPS WERE ALL THE RAGE, THE NATION WAS
SWEPT BY A CRAZY DANCE CRAZE CALLED SHUTTING DOWN PLANNED
PARENTHOOD. NOW WATCH ME WHIPE, OH, NOW
WATCH ME ELIMINATED ACCESS TO WOMEN’S HEALTHCARE. YOU GUYS PROBABLY HEARD THE
RADIO VERSION. IT ALL BEGAN WITH A SERIES
OF VIDEOS MEANT TO PROVE THAT PLANNED PARENTHOOD WAS
SELLING FETAL TISSUE FOR PROFIT. THESE SECRETLY FILMED VIDEOS
WERE MADE BY, I ASSUME, SOME SORT OF PRO-LIFE JAMES BOND. WHICH DOES NOT EXIST. BECAUSE JAMES BOND IS
OBVIOUSLY PRO-CHOICE. SO THINK ABOUT IT, WHEN THE
KIND OF PUSSY YOU CAN GET IS DESCRIBED AS “GALORE” YOU
ARE GOING TO HAVE A FEW ACCIDENTS. (LAUGHTER) ♪ ♪ ♪ SO IT TURNS OUT THE VIDEOS WERE
EDITED TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE PLANNED PARENTHOOD WAS PROFITING
OFF BABY PARTS. BUT JUST BECAUSE THE VIDEOS
FROM MANIPULATED DOESN’T MEAN PRO-LIFERS COULDN’T GET
OUTRAGED ABOUT THEM.>>I DARE HILLARY CLINTON,
BARACK OBAMA TO WATCH THESE TAPES. WATCH A FULLY-FORMED FETUS
ON THE TABLE, ITS HEART BEATING, ITS LEGS KICKING,
WHILE SOMEONE SAYS WE HAVE TO KEEP IT ALIVE TO HARVEST
ITS BRAIN.>>Trevor: GODDAMN! WHEN CARLY FIORINA PLAYS
TRUTH OR DARE, SHE DOES NOT MESS AROUND. I GO BACK, I CHOOSE TRUTH, I
CHOOSE TRUTH. THE TRUTH IS, THE VIDEO
FIORINA WAS TALKING ABOUT WASN’T EVEN FILMED AT
PLANNED PARENTHOOD SO CARLY FIORINA, YOUR TURN. TRUTH.>>PLANNED PARENTHOOD WILL
NOT AND CANNOT DENY THIS. BECAUSE IT IS HAPPENING. IT IS HAPPENING IN THIS
NATION.>>Trevor: OH, OKAY, FINE. BUT ONE PLACE IT IS
DEFINITELY NOT HAPPENING IS IN THAT VIDEO. BUT THAT DIDN’T STOP
CONGRESSMAN JASON CHAFFETZ FOR HOLDING A HOUSE OVERSITE
COMMITTEE HEARING LAST WEEK TO DEFUND PLANNED
PARENTHOOD. THAT HEARING DID TO THE GO WELL
FOR HIM.>>HE’S GETTING ROUNDLY
CRITICIZED FOR HIS HANDLING OF THE PLANNED PARENTHOOD
HEARING.>>HE’S COMING UNDER FIRE
FOR DISPLAYING A MISLEADING CHARGE.>>CHAFFETZ AT TIMES
DEMONSTRATED A FUNDAMENTAL MISUNDERSTANDING OF HOW
WOMEN GOT CARE.>>MOST OF AMERICA THINKS HE
GOT OWNED DURING THAT DBEATE.>>Trevor: ACTUALLY MOST OF
AMERICA DOESN’T WATCH C-SPAN. (LAUGHTER) AND THOSE WHO DO WOULD NOT USE
THE PHRASE “HE GOT OWNED.” WELL, AT LEAST NOT IN THIS
CONTEXT. A SMART MAN WOULD LAY LOW
AFTER THAT. BUT GUESS WHAT CHAFFETZ DID.>>I’M ANNOUNCING MY
INTENTION TO RUN FOR SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES.>>Trevor: WHAT THE HELL? A GUY WHO GETS STRONGER THE
MORE EMBARRASSED HE GETS? HE’S DELUSIONAL, MAN. WHICH SOUNDS LIKE THE WORST
SUPERHERO EVER. USING HIS HUMILIATION TO
SAVE THE DAY, IT’S DELUSIONAL MAN. HELP ME? THE BUS IS HEADING OFF THE
BRIDGE. I’LL HELP, QUICKLY, TELL ME
HOW SMALL MY PENIS. DE-DE-DELUSIONAL. BUT HERE’S WHY CHAFFETZ CAN
RUN FOR SPEAKER. THAT HEARING MIGHT HAVE BEEN
EMBARRASSING, BUT IT WASN’T A BIG DEAL FOR THE PRO-LIFE
MOVEMENTS BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO RESTRICTING ACCESS
TO ABORTION, THEY’RE KILLING IT.>>THE MISSISSIPPI
LEGISLATURE PASSED A LAW THAT REQUIRES DOCTORS AT
ABORTION CLINICS TO HAVE ADMITTING PRIVILEGES AT A
LOCAL HOSPITAL.>>NEBRASKA’S NEW LAW MAKES
IT A FELONY FOR A DOCTOR TO ABORT A FETUS AT MORE THAN
20 WEEKS.>>NORTH CAROLINA’S GOVERNOR
SAYS HE WILL SIGN A NEW LAW REQUIRING A 72 HOUR WAITING
PERIOD FOR ABORTIONS.>>IN INDIANA TODAY THE SENATE
THERE PASSED A NEWS FORCED VAGINAL ULTRASOUND BILL.>>Trevor: MIGHT NOT BE A
FAN OF PRO-LIFERS, BUT YOU HAVE GOT TO ADMIT, THEY’RE
DAMN GOOD AT WHAT THEY DO. THE SAME WAY THE KNICKS HAVE
TO GIVE PROPS TO LEBRON JAMES, OR THE SAME WAY THE
DOLPHINS HAVE TO GIVE UP FOR TUNA NETS. I DID NOT THINK I WOULD
END TODAY IN A CAN BUT WELL DONE. THE CRAZIEST PART IS
ABORTION SAY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT. THE SUPREME COURT SAID THIS
IS LAW, PRO-LIFERS WERE LIKE I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE. IT IS SORT OF LIKE WHEN THE
ROCK TRIED TO CONVINCE US THAT HIS NAME IS DWAYNE
JOHNSON. AND WE WERE LIKE NICE TRY,
THE ROCK. NO ONE LOOKS LIKE THAT AND
IS CALLED DWAYNE. AM I RIGHT, LADIES? YEAH! (APPLAUSE) YEAH. CUZ NOBODY WANTS TO SMELL
WHAT DWAYNE IS COOKING. (LAUGHTER) IT’S TRULY AMAZING HOW MUCH THE
PRO-LIFERS HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH IN THE ANTIABORTION
FIGHT. JUST IMAGINE WHAT THEY COULD
DO WITH AN ISSUE WHERE THE FACTS ARE ACTUALLY ON THEIR
SIDE. YES, YES, THAT IS SUCH A
DEEP THING TO THINK. BUT WHAT OTHER ISSUES COULD
APPEAL TO THOSE WHO LOVE LIFE.>>ACCORDING TO THE BRADY
CAMPAIGN TO PREVENT GUN VIOLENCE, THERE WERE MORE
THAN 97,000 PEOPLE SHOT IN AMERICA THIS YEAR. MORE THAN 250 EACH DAY.>>Trevor: NOW, NOW, NOW, THINK
ABOUT IT, PEOPLE. IMAGINE IF WE COULD BRING
SOME OF THAT PRO-LIFE PASSION INTO BEING MORE,
WELL, PRO-LIFE. (LAUGHTER) THEN AFTER A MASS SHOOTING
INSTEAD OF THIS REACTION.>>I DON’T THINK MORE
GOVERNMENT IS NECESSARILY THE ANSWER TO THIS.>>LOOK, STUFF HAPPENS THERE
IS ALWAYS A CRISIS.>>Trevor: INSTEAD OF
THAT– INSTEAD OF THAT, WE COULD GET THIS REACTION.>>I’M COMPLETELY PRO-LIFE
AND I BELIEVE THAT WE SHOULD HAVE A CULTURE OF LIFE. IT IS INFORMED BY MY FAITH
FROM BEGINNING TO END.>>Trevor: WOW, SOMEBODY GET
THAT MAN A TRANQUILIZER. WHOOO! WHICH IS IRONIC BECAUSE
USUALLY JEB BUSH IS THE TRANQUILIZER. (LAUGHTER) WHICH SOUNDS LIKE THE WORST
MOVIE TITLE EVER. “HELP ME. THE BUS IS HEADING UP THE
BRIDGE.” “LOOK, STUFF HAPPENS. THERE’S ALWAYS A CRISIS.” (LAUGHTER) IT HAPPENS. EVEN CARLY FIORINA, INSTEAD
OF THIS REACTION TO THE OREGON SHOOTING.>>I THINK WE NEED TO KNOW A
LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT THIS INCIDENT.>>Trevor: WE WOULD GET THIS
REACTION.>>I AM REALLY TIRED OF
BECOME CALLED EXTREME ON THIS ISSUE. EVERY LIFE IS FILLED WITH
POTENTIAL.>>Trevor: THAT’S RIGHT,
MISS FIORINA. MAYBE NOT THE POTENTIAL TO
BECOME PRESIDENT BUT DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY IN
THE TOP 12. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND HERE’S THE THING. IF PRO-LIFERS WANT TO FIGHT
FOR LIVES OUTSIDE THE WOMB, THEY DON’T EVEN NEED TO
CHANGE WHAT THEY ARE SAYING. THEY JUST NEED TO ADD A
LITTLE BIT MORE.>>MY WORK IS BEHIND ME TO
MAKE SURE THAT INNOCENT LIFE IS PROTECTED.>>AND OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN’T
LET SOMEONE GET OUT OF A BACKGROUND CHECK JUST
BECAUSE THEY BUY A GUN AT A SHOW RATHER THAN A STORE. THAT’S JUST IDIOTIC. (LAUGHTER)>>Trevor: YOU SEE? EVEN WITHOUT THE GLASSES HE
IS STILL PRETTY SMART. YOU TRY IT, REPRESENTATIVE
JOE BARTON.>>I THINK EVERY LIFE IS
PRECIOUS. I THINK THE CONGRESS SHOULD
DO EVERYTHING THAT WE CAN TO PROTECT THAT LIFE. BY PASSING A BAN ON HIGH
CAPACITY MAGAZINES, FOR INSTANCE. I MEAN YOU’RE GOING DEER
HUNTING, NOT PLAYING “CALL OF DUTY” FOR CRIST’S SAKE. WOW, WOW. (APPLAUSE) BARTON MAKES A POINT THAT IS
BOTH COMPELLING AND ODDLY POP CULTURE SAVVY. (LAUGHTER) BUT IT SHOULDN’T BE SURPRISING. THIS IS REALLY JUST COMMON
SENSE.>>IF WE SAVE ONE LIFE,
THAT’S IMPORTANT. AND IT’S IMPORTANT TO THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT WE SAVE EVERY LIFE WE POSSIBLY CAN. WHICH IS WHY I CAN’T
UNDERSTAND WHY CONGRESS PASSED A LAW BANNING HEALTH
AGENCIES FROM EVEN RESEARCHING GUN VIOLENCE. WHAT THE HELL WERE WE
THINKING? [APPLAUSE]>>Trevor: ONCE AGAIN, I
COULDN’T HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF. THE POINT IS, IF PRO-LIFERS
WOULD JUST REDIRECT THEIR POWERS TOWARD GUN VIOLENCE,
THE AMOUNT OF LIVES THEY COULD SAVE WOULD REACH
SUPERHERO LEVELS. THEY JUST NEED A SUPERHERO’S
TOTAL DEDICATION TO LIFE. BECAUSE RIGHT NOW THEY’RE
MORE LIKE COMIC BOOK COLLECTORS. HUMAN LIFE ONLY HOLDS VALUE
UNTIL YOU TAKE IT OUT OF THE

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