DESUS: Welcome to
the Thursday show. Y’all ready? Yeah! Yeah. Cause we are not. We are out of breath. Oh, yes. Y’all like my kinky boots? Right? These are different. You know what I’m saying? These are different. That’s fashion. That’s fashion. Do you remember, uh, Dreamcast–
it was “Space Channel 5?” Do you guys remember that game? That’s the boots
she had on in it. Yo! Just dancing around. Could have just said
radio joints like– Yeah. Woo! You all right with that? Yeah. Yeah. You know the vibes. Yeah, we– yeah. We were kind of drunk in
the last episode, I think. – Mhm.
– But it was a good episode. What do you want? Ipso facto. Exactly. What do you guys want? Comedy, or you want
us to be healthy? You know what I’m saying? Mm. Dead comedians get
better promotions. Damn. That was– it was dead rappers. You just made that
shit dark as shit, bro. Like, that’s us. [LAUGHTER] Yo, if we perish,
we’re going platinum. Or we could go platinum alive? We could.
Also that. Yeah. I mean, you know– You trying to
tell me something? No, no, no. I’m just looking for, you
know, easy ways to, you know, make money. I feel you.
I feel you. – You know what I’m saying?
– That’s how we got into this. So– it worked out. Mother fuckers gotta die. The Astros stealing signs? What? Oh– oh, John Legend taking– Oh, OK. That’s cool. John Legend,
sexiest man alive? OK.
That’s– We know him, so we
can’t, like, slander him. Yeah. Yo, John, let me borrow
one of your houses, dog. Yo, what up? Oh, that? No, he– wow, he
is kind of sexy. OK. He’s a very handsome fellow. He does still look
like Arthur, though. – Yeah.
– Like– Yeah. Chrissy Teigen knows that. Every now and then,
Chrissy Teigen look at him like, this Arthur ass nigga. Motherfucker. And Chrissy– she’s probably
roasting him, too, on the low. she’s like, you ain’t that cute. Sexiest man alive. I saw that. Yeah! She’s like, the
sexiest man alive? You’ve got to be kidding! No doubt John Legend is
a phenomenal musician, but I’ll tell you what
makes a guy sexy– You can stop right
here, because this is when the merlot kicked in. Uh-huh. Yo, shorty was like, a
fabulously chiseled face, eyes that communicate
I want you now, and a body that you
can’t stop looking at. Yeah. She’s like every drunk
woman after a Rangers game on the LIRR.
– Yeah. Yeah! I want Lundquist
to stick my goal. Yeah! Oh, my god. She was talking
about Uncle Sam, dog. And then they got hashtag– Like, I’m not joking. I want you now! Like, she was literally– And what’s that,
hashtag re-vote? There’s a– is there
a movement to re– people know, like, it’s
not a government official. It’s just– he’s just the
cover of the magazine. It’s like, yo– Has he ever
tweeted about, like, getting Trump out of
office or anything? No.
– No. But this– this is
where she draws the line. Yeah, impeach–
impeach John Legend. Like, aw– John Legend’s cool. How do you get at someone’s
the sexiest man alive. They’re like, I’m
the sexist man– they’re like, you thought! Yo, and now you not! Fuck that! No! It’s Blake Shelton. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. Yeah!
Who was last year? What was it the last year? Idris Elba? Well deserved, I think. – I remember that.
– You know what I’m saying? That was rough for
me because people kept stopping me on the
street congratulating me, and I was like– aw, man. I’m with my family stop! I’m Desus. – Yeah.
– Yes, we were. There you go. Sexiest men of the year. You know what it is. You know what I’m saying? Yeah! Yeah, look at us. Yeah! Wow. Look at that. Sexy. Sexy, sexy! You know what I’m saying? What does that mean, though? Does that– are we sexy? Josh, are we sexy? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Make some noise if we sexy. Yeah. Yeah! I appreciate you
for lying to us. OK. So now that we’ve
been in this, if you guys want to click on our only
fans, you know what I’m saying? See some after– see some
behind the scenes stuff. You know what I’m saying?
Some exclusives. – All right?
– Got the exclusive Snapchat. Only $5.00. You know, listen– it’s the sucio boys. Do you guys want to
buy our underwear? It’s not sexy. No. It’s not at all. I’d be like, yo, just wash
them and bring them back. Or don’t. No. They just print it, and
they’re like– they call you, like, you’re in this magazine. And now–
– Yeah. You know? And now we wait. To see what happens. Yeah. If I’m gonna go to
the mall, and be like, there’s the sexist man alive!
– Like, oh, stop! My god! Like, how does it–
who reads– like– There’s someone
who’s very puzzled right now in New Mexico,
like, who are these guys? – Who are these guys?
– What the fuck Why– why did
they get one spot? “Desus and Murro?” They sound Mexican. They’re like, which
one– which one is Desus? The Spanish one? Yeah. I would assume so, because
of the pronunciation. Yeah, probably in
the dentist’s office. Yeah. In a– like, in a
waiting room, or– like, when you’re just
mad high in the checkout. Like– Do people still
read magazines? Like– I don’t
want to be like, I read a magazine,
so I go on Twitter, someone’s like, OK boomer. Yeah. [SHOUTING] I got caught! Still, you can’t do
it with the hard R. Oh, sorry. “Booma.” Booma. You know what I’m saying? Shout out to all
my booma niggas. I put that on, my nigga. Boom. Here comes the boom. Here comes the boom. They should make
that their theme song. Yo, boomers gotta rebrand. That’s it.
– They can’t. They’re about to die. Oh, that’s right. Yeah. Sorry. Can’t rebrand if
you’re in hospice care. Sorry. I don’t even know
what a boomer– I’m just roasting people. Fuck it. If you’re a boomer
and you watch the show, you’re allowed to.
You’re good. You’re an ally, or some shit.
I don’t know. – You’re cool.
– Probably got one black friend. Any boomers in
the audience, yo? [LAUGHTER] – He was like, yeah.
– Just me. He was like, yeah. Yep. Thank you for your service. But they’re also– boomers,
like, they ran with it. They were like, yo, we’re
the greatest generation. Yeah! So the next
generation is like– not really. – What about us?
– Like, yo, we got the internet. Yeah.
Fuck y’all. Like, y’all niggas– you– Oh, you got vaccines? Oh– we got Twitter. Oh, y’all built
railroads and shit? Fuck that. We got Facebook. It’s not really
the same, but– Stupid. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know what? It’s those chains, dog.
– I know. They’re so heavy.
– You know what I’m saying? They’re so heavy. You know what I’m saying? Like the chains of oppression
that fall on our community. That’s what I try to
represent every night when I wear these chains. It’s the oppression.
You know what I’m saying? OK. We’ve been held
back by society. That’s right.
Preach. – You know what I’m saying?
– Teach these devils. That’s right. Where’s my wrestler belt? OK? He keeps them on
when he has sex. Yeah. That’s what I just– [LAUGHTER] Yo, actually, I– We’ll be on our
conference call, you just hear, like,
jingle, jingle, jingle. Like– Mero, please
mute your phone. It’s like Christmas time
every time at my house. Naw– I take them
off gently, and I lay them gently on a velvet
cloth in my closet every night. And then my kids
put them, like– [SHOUTING] And make tick tocks. Yeah. – Yeah–
– No. I didn’t. I was gonna say yes,
hoping that you did. And I could just be like, yeah. Yeah, I know how this works. I know how you work. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I watched– Did anything
good happen on it? No.
– No. It was mad boring, right? Was there, like, a special
cameo by, like, John Stamos, or something? Like, what– – Oh.
– Oh, shit. Bill Taylor? Bill Taylor got on? Shit, they didn’t– they
didn’t lead with that? Come on.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Yeah. No, the American– Remember his verse
on Pusha T’s album? Yo, that shit was flip! What? Oh, shit? David Holmes? FEMALE SPEAKER: Yeah. Shit. Yo, he was ill in “Friends.” Damn. This shit is,
like, “Astroworld.” Like, everybody’s coming out. Everybody’s on this shit. This is, like, a Khaled album. Yo, Gordon– – What?
– Shit, nigga. Yo! Yo, why didn’t
you tell me about– Yo! Yo! My nigga Vlad? Yo!
– Yo! Shit! What did he– did he do– he didn’t
do his song, right? Oh, shit.
OK. I always feel bad.
FEMALE SPEAKER: He was just– – All right.
– Freestyle. Did he freestyle? Yeah. Shout out to Ukraine. Yo. At least have something
on your phone, dog. I know you nervous, but like– Shout out to end of– who got impeached? Oh, it doesn’t– oh,
so you guys just watch something that doesn’t
have an ending, and just wasted a lot of time? Mhm? Ain’t nobody doing all that. Call me when it’s like,
yo, he has his shit in boxes. OK? On the lawn. He’s like, yeah– I need an impeachment– Yo. My box of toupees, please. I need the impeachment
to be like an episode of “Law & Order.” I need Trump to, like, walk in
and be like, I didn’t do it. I didn’t do it. Some shit like that. Listen, Mariska– Someone walks in with,
like, a murder weapon. You know what I’m saying? Then Carson’s like
is like, he did it. Shit. Uh– Battle raps. Battle raps. Yeah. About, like, the impeachment,
and then at the end, Trumpito comes through
and spits a verse. And everyone’s like, yo! Every week, like,
they eliminate, like, somebody in Congress. You know what I’m saying?
– Yeah. Like, yo! Imagine Nancy Pelosi comes
through with the wild Megan Thee Stallion verse. And she’s jumping up
and down, and shit. What? I’m like, yo! Get ’em, Nancy! Yo! The mad– She’s popping and shit. I’m like, wow, when did
they put in that water, dog? You know what I’m saying? Mitch McConnell comes through. He does, like, a
wild Eminem verse, but it’s, like, a turtle shit. Yo. Everybody in the 313. Come and eat some
lettuce with me. I was– How old were we? I was, like, a baby. Wait– yeah, we were babies. – We were babies.
– I was a baby. I was– I was in daycare! I was like, ga ga, goo, goo. Who is Clinton? Ga ga. [LAUGHTER] Does it? Or does it say the ages that
a Jamaican and a Dominican told them? I might be 57. You don’t even know. Nigga– OK? There’s definitely
three families right now, like, he’s not that age. No. He’s 17. I know my second mother’s
watching this, mad confused. Like– I thought,
but– this paper– like, I saw the
doctor fill it out. I needed another
birth certificate. Come on, y’all. We need multiple social
security numbers. Identities. It’s like– Canadian Desus. Come on, bro.
– Hello? That’s how I get
my teeth fixed. Like–
– Mexican Mero. Shop in Mississauga. You out here– ah– Yo. – You can record it.
– Yeah, naw. They don’t get
Showtime in Canada. Right? [LAUGHTER] They call it,
like, “Showtime Eh.” Eh. Showtime, eh? It’s called the
Tim Hortons Network. You don’t know shit
about Canada, bro. Not at all. You think they live
in igloos, don’t you? I’m like, yo, Drake
must have had it hard growing up in an igloo, man. Shit was crazy. And then his pops
left to Tennessee. Like, man– The sad part,
he’s been to Canada. We’ve been to Canada.
Like– Mad times. Mad times. The only thing I remember
is that one Burger King, or whatever. That’s the only
thing that’s open. Oh, yeah. Cause we did a live show,
and then we got out, and there was nothing left open. Except– Was it in Montreal? And then, like, we had
to go to Burger King. And it was, like,
everyone from our show was in line at that Burger King. Yo!
Yo! Yo, y’all at Burger King? Yo! And because Canadians
are so polite, they let us skip the whole line
and go to the front, and order. But because we’re stupid,
we ordered poutine, or some shit like that. And we spent the rest of
the night on the toilet. Yes. They was like– they was
like, I wouldn’t eat that, man. Naw. Man’s– man’s– man’s
is lactose intolerant. I was like, yo– I was like, I don’t care. Also, they said Scarborough
is, like, the Bronx. Is that true? Does anyone know? Is that– yeah? Oh, you guys don’t know? Moona’s is like, hell yeah. Yeah? Shit’s thugged out. She’s like, yo, Jane and
fish nigga, what’s up? Who? That’s a street corner
that I heard was gooned out. Not anymore? Yes. Chicken and Fish gang. You just came up
with gangs, and shit. Yo. All right. – No.
– No. No. What channel was it on? Like, BET? Every? Every channel everywhere. All right. Is it back on today? This is going to
be like the OJ trial. Man, this is going
to be– this shit is going to be on for two years,
nothing’s going to happen. – But the OJ trial was exciting.
– Yeah, exactly. That’s what I’m saying. They had gloves,
they had knives. They had police chases. Judge Ito. You know what I’m saying? Johnnie Cochran was
using alliteration, and shit in his depositions. Bring some knives– Bring some knives
to the impeachment? Yeah, we’ll see how
well that works for us. Let’s get some
press passes, y’all. Run up in there with
some steak knives. – Why not?
– I don’t know. You guys want to start the show? [APPLAUSE] Yeah! All right! Good. All right, we’ll start the show. Yeah. As you can see, the
show is not scripted, so everything
we’re about to see, we’re seeing for the
first time, as well. So let’s get ready. [MUSIC PLAYING]