This weekend was
the first weekend of summer, and you know what that means. Same thing as every weekend– white women were calling 911
on black people. WOMAN: This morning a California
woman is facing outrage online after a now viral video shows
her allegedly calling police on an eight-year-old black girl
selling bottles of water with her mother on a sidewalk. WOMAN: She calling police on
an eight-year-old little girl. You can hide all you want. Yeah, and, um, illegally selling
water without a permit? MAN: The woman,
identified as Alison Ettel, now being dubbed on
social media as “Permit Patty.” This comes after several
widely reported instances of white people calling
the police on African-Americans who are living
their everyday lives. For more on this story,
please welcome our very own Dulcé Sloan, everybody. (cheers and applause) Dulcé, another story
of a white person calling 911 on a black person doing nothing. What are your thoughts? (sighs) Trevor,
I’m so sick of this bullshit. (laughter) White people
call the cops so often, they don’t even have
to dial 911 anymore. They just hit 9,
and the operator’s like, -“We’re on our way.”
-(laughter) You know what Apple needs? To make a phone exclusively
for white people. Every time you call the cops, it
just connects you to yourself. Hello.
There’s white people here. What? There’s
white people here, too! Aah! (laughter) Uh, Dulcé, you know,
a lot of people felt that this example was
particularly egregious, because this woman was calling
the cops on a child. Yeah, but what
really made me mad is the way she did it. Play that video again. -(laughter)
-Okay… okay, now, freeze. Why is she trying
to crouch behind a wall like a white privilege ninja? (laughter) The hell are you doing?
We just saw you! (laughter) You don’t disappear
just because you duck down. (laughter) Black people aren’t the
dinosaurs from Jurassic Park. (laughter) -(cheering, applause)
-I mean… I mean, look at her.
Come on. She looks like she’s popping
a squat in a back alley at Mardi Gras. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
And wait until you hear how Permit Patty
makes her money. Well, social media users are calling the woman
“Permit Patty.” Her real name is Alison Ettel,
a San Francisco entrepreneur. NEWSMAN:
The woman is also the CEO of a company that specializes
in cannabis edibles for animals. (laughter) Trevor, the woman
sells weed to dogs. (laughter) (applause) (whooping, cheering) Dogs. How are you
gonna sell drugs to dogs? Like, “Hey, hey.
(whistles) Hey, hey. “Come on. I got that kibble,
I got that bacon. “We out here.
(whistles) Kibble, bacon,
come on, come on.” If you ask me,
that’s the real reason that white lady
called the cops– this little girl was
on her corner. (laughter) -(whooping, applause)
-Okay? This was a turf war.
It’s a turf war! Now, now, actually, Dulcé,
Permit Patty was interviewed by the San Francisco Chronicle, and she said that she
didn’t actually call the cops. -Hmm. -Yeah. She said she was
just pretending to call them. Oh. Trevor, that makes it worse. Because that means she didn’t
actually care about the permit. She wanted to scare
an eight-year-old black girl into thinking that
the cops were coming. She knows black people
are afraid of the cops, and she used it
as a weapon against them. That’s (bleep) up. Imagine how white people
would feel if black people ran around
threatening them with gluten. Eat this biscuit, Karen! (whooping, applause) Karen! Get into the biscuit, girl! Look, I understand
why you’re upset, Dulcé, -Mm-hmm. -but I think
you’ll be glad to know that this story has
a happy ending, right? This girl was selling water
because she was trying to raise money
for a trip to Disneyland. Well, guess what? After
Black Twitter broke the story, somebody bought that girl
four tickets to Disneyland. -Yeah.
-(cheering, applause) See? Oh. Look at God. Look at God. Oh. But whatever she does, she better not try
to sell water there. Disney don’t (bleep) around.
Mickey protects his corner. Dulcé Sloan, everybody.