Republicans Need Jesus | The Daily Show


Despite the news about Brett Kavanaugh’s sexual
misconduct allegations, and his history of drinking
and partying, he still has the support of 70%
of Republicans, which is surprising, considering
Republicans traditionally associate themselves with
Christian values, you know? It would be like Barney teaching
you how to smoke meth. For more on this,
we turn to my good friend, Neal Brennan, everybody. (cheers and applause) Neal, what do you make
of this whole situation? Uh, Trevor, as an atheist, I’m about to say something that
I thought I would never say. Republicans, y’all need Jesus. Wow. Well, I… I, uh… (cheers and applause) I never thought you’d say that,
either, -because you don’t believe
in Jesus. -I know. Like many atheists,
I grew up Catholic. (laughter) I went through all
the sacraments, baptism, first communion, and,
of course, molestation. (audience reacts) I’m kidding;
I was never baptized. (laughter) And as an atheist, I used to
think that Republicans were too fixated on Jesus,
but it turns out, he was the only thing keeping
them in check, because now Republicans
have dropped him completely, and they’re about
as interested in morality as Steve Bannon is
in face cream. Look at how they’re defending
Brett Kavanaugh. It’s-it’s just a shame that a
person like Judge Kavanaugh, who has a stellar record, that
somebody can bring something up that he did when he was
a teenager, close to 40 years ago. Uh, that’s not relevant. I mean, we’re talking about
a 15-year-old girl, which I respect, you know. I’m a woman, I respect. And we’re talking about a
17-year-old boy in high school with testosterone running high. Tell me what boy hasn’t done
this in high school. Please. I would like to know. But in the grand scheme
of things, my goodness, you– there was no intercourse. There was maybe a touch. Can we– really? 36 years later
she’s still stuck on that? (audience reacts) Republican women used to be
a bunch of church ladies, and now they’re basically
Lindsay Lohan’s mom. Instead of preaching chastity, they’re, like,
hand stuff’s okay. It wasn’t always like this. Back when Republicans rolled
with Jesus, you guys were all about
principles and values. You impeached a president
over it, remember? You don’t even have to be
convicted of a crime to lose your job in this
constitutional republic if this body determines
that your conduct as a public official is clearly
out of bounds in your role. Because impeachment
is not about punishment. Impeachment
is about cleansing the office. Impeachment
is about restoring honor and integrity to the office. Cleansing the office? If you’re worried about that
after Clinton, you’ve got your work cut out
for you after Trump, too. Even if you got rid
of Trump today, cleansing the Oval Office
will take years. I mean, the self-tanner, the Kentucky Fried Chicken
grease… And, you know, any time
Eric goes to the bathroom, he misses the bowl completely. (laughter and applause) Now, I’d ask Republicans, “Hey, when did you guys
and Jesus split up?” But we all know the answer. It started when
that orange balloon animal rode down that escalator, and suddenly any behavior
was acceptable. To hold somebody accountable
for something he did years ago as our president today, I-I think it sets
a bad precedent. It’s not a big surprise
that he is crude and he’s vulgar.
We all knew that. We knew he wasn’t
a Sunday school teacher. If you don’t like me working
with President Trump to make the world a better
place, I don’t give a shit. (audience groans) Oh, Lindsey,
what has Trump done to you? You went from honor and morality
to “I don’t give a…” I-I don’t even want
to say that word. I’m just so (bleep)
disappointed. (laughter) And it’s not just
the politicians. It’s Republican voters, too. They back Trump
on paying off porn stars, praising dictators. They were even cool with separating families
at the border. Is there a commandment
I don’t know about that says,
“Honor thy mother and father unless they cometh
from a shithole country”? Republicans, y’all need Jesus. Otherwise, don’t be surprised
when you get to the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter is like,
“Uh, sorry, buddy. You got to get on
that down escalator.” God bless you, Neal.

2 thoughts on “Republicans Need Jesus | The Daily Show

  1. Drinking and Partying and Celebrating was Endorsed by Jesus.   Getting Drunk was not.

  2. They do the same work as the members of Mildred Rutherford's club the U.D.C. United Daughters of The Confederacy. Now we see exactly who she is.

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