Sale Of BET To White Supremacist Group Results In No Changes To Programming


The sale of BET to a white supremacist
group results in no changes to programming. A man talking for 15 minutes straight
thought a film was self indulgent and president Obama waits of the perfect
moment to walk by a White House to a group excitedly saying they are totally
going to freak out. Your will power to sit through 30 seconds
of advertising has brought you this far. You simply can’t give up now. This is the Onion Weekend Review. Leaders from the alien world of Zarklam 12
announces Wednesday that they would rescue innocent Syrian citizens since this
world refuses to end the rampant blood shed taking over the country. Supreme emperor and dynastic overlord Thuu’l
told reporters that he could no longer sit idly by while humans continue
turning a blind eye to the mounting casualties in the year long uprising
against President Bashar al-Assad. We in the far end of the Triangulum Galaxy
do not understand why you let humans do this to other humans you are
sentient beings, correct? As night settled over the nation’s capital
Thursday all 9 Supreme Court Justices were overheard drowsily bidding one another
good night while drifting off to sleep in their giant shared bed. Tired from a long day of judicial proceedings
the justices drank big glasses of warm milk, blew out the candle in their
nightstand and prepared for their 9:30 bed time as clerks tuck them in.
Occasionally justice will wake you up and the move the night and ask you to read
a Marbury V. Madison to help them go back to sleep but for the most part
they are just perfect little angels. Shh! You might wake them up. As the bright morning sun rose over Washington
the justices awoke and returned to work where they refused to delay
the execution of an Alabama man. And in local news a succession of terrible
events failed to befall a 33 year old riding a long board to his digital media
job Monday shocked by standards helplessly watched as media developer Jake Reston
skated safely through Manhattan traffic without flipping over on his obnoxiously
oversized skateboard and smashing his stupid fucking face into the pavement. With many saying they were horrified at
the site of the floppy haired little shit walking into his office unscathed.
It was one of the most horrible thing that I have ever seen.
He wasn’t even hit by a car. I was just praying that someone would
step in and throw him off his stupid little skateboard and punch
him right in the mouth. In sports a report finds it’s only a matter
of time before a sports center host snaps and blows his brains out on live television. In other news a study finds owning a
cool leather jacket is more rewarding than raising a child. A community garden sprouts the first
tandem wrapper of spring and a little turtle gorges on an entire raspberry. This is a reminder to look out for my
brief but strong local cameo in this summer’s of the Avengers for more
visit theONION.com/newsweek

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