Thank You Notes: Sparklers, Yard Sales

-If you guys wouldn’t mind,
I’d just like to write out my weekly thank-you notes
right now. Is that cool with you guys?
I love ya! [ Cheers and applause ] Let’s do it. Here we go.
James, can I get some thank-you-note-writing
music please? [ Playing tender tune ]
Tough guy. Tough guy?
-Steve: Yeah. He’s thinking about
“Children of Blood and Bone.” Yeah. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ Thank you, sparklers, for being the only time
we’re like, “Here, kids, hold this lit fuse.”
[ Laughter and applause ] [ Maracas rattle ] It’s fun. Do you remember snakes? Do you know that firework?
-Oh, snakes are great. [ Both laughing ]
-They’d leave giant marks on your driveway.
-It just grows out of the ground.
-Yeah, it’s like some crazy chemical that probably —
-I always told people, “Oh, dude, you gotta get snakes,
that’s the craziest firework, man.
You’re gonna go nuts!” And they’re like, “Dude, we got
snakes.” I’m like, “Yeah, dude, light it up, let me know
how it goes, man,” like. And the thing just goes “Brrt.” -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] So you put four together.
-That’s all it does. -You put four together.
-That’s all it does, yeah. Burned a hole
in your driveway, yeah. -That and those snaps. -Snaps.
-Attendee: Yeah. ♪♪
-Thank you, “The Bachelorette,” for being 25 men competing
for one woman’s heart. Or, as that’s also known: bars. [ Laughter and applause ]
[bro accent] Hey, what’s up? ♪♪ Thank you, Supreme Court
Justice Anthony Kennedy, for announcing your retirement. And thank you, every picture
of the Supreme Court, for looking like a small town’s
community choir. [ Laughter and applause ] ♪♪
[ Laughter ] Thank you, the
“forgot my password” button, for pretty much being
my password. [ Laughter and applause ]
I don’t have to remember it. -Please send it.
-Send it to my email, dude. ♪♪
[ Laughter ] Thank you, fireworks, for being
five minutes of excitement followed by 20 minutes of me
saying, “Was that the end? [ Laughter ]
No? Oh, this is the end. Oh, wait, no, there’s more.
Oh, oh, beautiful. Oh, that’s the end. This is the end right here. No it’s not.” [ Laughter ]
♪♪ Thank you,
swimming with a pool noodle, for answering the question, “How
awkward can I make myself look in front of my friends
and family?” [ Laughter and applause ]
Hey, buddy, water’s cold. -‘Sup! ♪♪ -Thank you, yard sales,
for being the most elaborate way to get other people
to take out your garbage. There you go, everybody.
Those are my thank-you notes.

46 thoughts on “Thank You Notes: Sparklers, Yard Sales


    Oh wait, nevermind. i forgot i had it on 1.5 speed.

  2. There is absolutely no thank you to Kennedy. Fuck him. He wrote the opinion in Citizens United (the beginning of the decline of our country), and now he decides to retire at the behest of the most crooked President and Republican party ever. Again, Fuck him!

  3. Thank you, James, for being completely and utterly unable to keep a straight face.

  4. The strangers not only take your garbage away.. they pay you for the privilege!

  5. Heidi Klum's coming on the show and Jimmy seems more enthusiastic than usual



  7. %minutes of excitement, followed by 20 minutes of "That's it?" That's not fireworks, that's most guys' sex lives… ;-P

  8. πŸ˜πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

  9. Writers for this segment are really creative!

    [My Youtube Channel (]

  10. In the 60s anti-Whites made ALL White countries and ONLY White countries import millions of immigrants from the third world.
    Then anti-Whites compelled White people to "integrate" with those non-Whites or face huge penalties.
    Now anti-Whites are gloating and counting down the days until White children are a minority and eventually extinct everywhere!
    They say they're "anti-racist." What they are is anti-White.
    Anti-racist is a codeword for anti-White.

  11. Your thank you note to the moon in your ride at universal Orlando had me dying

  12. Does it bother anyone else that he's not actually putting the card in the envelope??

  13. You should see how are these programs in Brazil. Try on youtube" the noite danilo diginho brigam 13/07/2018" very familiarπŸ˜†

  14. πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‰πŸ˜›

  15. Are these being improvised on the spot or is he just reading what's already written on the cards and pretending to write something

  16. I was like "I think Jimmy is not forced at all" but 5 seconds after the beginning and I was like "ok nah"

  17. Check out the 5 minute inspirational "The Shmuel Taurog Show' on "You Tube.

  18. Of all this app I can not get the way it works with a computer screen that will work

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