What up, PIMMMMMMMMPS?! PIMMMMMMMMPS! Guys, I am your host Ethan Klein from H3H3 productions. Here with a slamming new report. Got a ton of great stories on deck for you, and a couple of follow-ups from last week, including: Logan Paul and Christian Burns, of course the greatest fuccboi of 2017. Get ready for the fuccboi invasion, my friends. It is happening, and it is very real. More on that. But first, let’s get in with Logan Paul. In last week’s episode, it looked like Logan had started a riot at Vidcon. But luckily, being popular doesn’t necessarily make you bright because Logan uploaded the footage on his channel, and now we know exactly what happened, and it’s actually even worse than I thought. – As you guys know yesterday, we dropped off three thousand dollars somewhere here at Vidcon. And today we are going to unleash the beast and let them know where they can find the money. Like a big scavenger hunt… But with money, y’all! So, step one: get as many of his fans crammed into as tight a space as possible looking for this $3,000. I want to capture every angle. We have three thousand dollars on the line. There’s going to be a lot of people. There’s a middle section. Post up there watch, watch for the swarms of people there, vlog a little bit… Hopefully the crowds are swarming. It’s a great little scavenger hunt that ends in the fatalities of 500 poor, helpless kids. This is about to get crazy, it’s going to be pandemonium with all these people out here. Hopefully, the crowds are swarming; I don’t know, we’re going to cut back and forth between footage. Hopefully the crowds are swarming, swarming, swarming. In the Vidcon wilderness… *500 poor, helpless children screaming with dramatic music playing in background* Let the stampede begin! Come to me, my children; come to me and rub your hands all over my body, my little children! My little twelve year olds who are just hitting puberty! I’m a grown man! You know somebody touched his dick, like at least several people. I can’t be the only one that finds this at least a little bit creepy; these are 12 year old girls — max– following Logan, in hot-hot-hot pursuit. Something’s just a little unsettling when your primary demographic is 12 year old girls, and you go out there to embrace their warm loving arms. I don’t know, maybe just me. I didn’t get the $3,000, but I did get to grab a grown man’s penis. You really don’t need a 12 year old battle royale in your honor, dawg. *dramatic music* So just to be clear: this is his video and he put this music in. This inspirational slow-mo… *dramatic music*
Oh my god, you guys… *Screaming of crowd with dramatic music in background* *Guard shouting repeatedly* Let’s go! Okay, so here– Here’s the guard pissed off, and like this is just a plot point in his story. When the guards like: You’re not safe! People are dying and being trampled to death! *coughs* *Guard shouting repeatedly* Let’s go! Why are you doing this, dude? I get paid $12 an hour! *Continuance of screaming* *Crow chanting* Logan! Logan! Logan! I’m a god, dude! Look at all my adoring fans! I’m a god! I’m gonna play emotional music to trick you into thinking this wasn’t irresponsible and unsafe, just so you think it’s inspirational, even though it’s really real-irresponsible, guys. *Human screech* *cough* *cough* *Crowd chanting* Logan!
– *Logan saying something inaudible* I don’t know the difference between a Nazi salute and a dab if I’m being honest. Let me just make my statement here already about that Nazi joke I just made. Wall Street Journal: my joke was made in jest; it was a– just a joke on the hand motion itself. I’m of Jewish heritage. I denounce nazism. I am not a Nazi sympathizer. I made a huge mistake. Please do not demonetize all of YouTube at the expense of one shitty joke. Logan Paul for life. You try to dab! It’s very close to this. That’s all I’m saying, I don’t understand the motion. *Crowd screaming with dramatic music in background* *Unintelligible* I can’t lie though; if I was in that crowd, as a thirteen year old girl, I’d grab your dick, dawg. I’d give it a juicy grab and be like… *Screeching and choking* Next up…! In the news…! *Screeching and choking* So… we’ve spoken about this obnoxious Instagram model who was harassing this guard. A little bit of poetic justice for us all to enjoy: The security guard that he was harassing now has more followers than he does by triple. He has a 104,000 followers on Instagram. (“Kill yourself. You’re ugly as fuck and irrelevant and you make no money!”) “All these people… h3-fucking-hee-hee – whatever the fuck your name is, dude… “I don’t give a fuck. I’m-whoever that is, dude, fuck that guy.” Vapenache, dawg, staying tuned for your spicy, hot calls for attention. Keep it coming. *screeching* Hopping on over to our favorite little doughboy Lance Stewart, who has given up the ghost memes for now, but he’s just moved into a new house, and I love what he’s resorting to on the title. So, this is the title of the video: YouTube’s come to the point when we need to specify, in the title, now, when we’re not click baiting so that you can be extra sure. Let the fans know /this/ one’s not clickbait, unlike 99% of all my other videos that are. This time, I’m serious. Fuccboi Invasion 2017, you guys; I’m telling you, be on guard. *screech* This next story is honestly sad. I feel like we’ve been predicting this for a long time. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this happened, now, during the Fuccboi Invasion of 2017. So, this couple here attempted to stop a bullet from a desert eagle with an encyclopedia. Sure enough, she shot him point blank with a desert eagle and what do you know that the book wasn’t enough to stop the most powerful handgun ever made — or one of them at least — and it punctured his chest and he died. I mean — this is the state of YouTube, guys. There’s no, like… These people aren’t, like, “How do I make good content?” It’s more like, “How do I make dangerous, risky shit, that’s so over the top that people have to click it?” By the way, they had a kid /and/ his girlfriend was pregnant at the time, who’s now, I’m pretty sure, going to prison for manslaughter. This is the last tweet on her account: … Happy monkey covering his eyes.” if this isn’t a sign that this has gone way too far, this pursuit of making the ultimate, most high-octane, obscene, clickbaity video ever, I don’t know what is. This invasion is real, my friends. *shitty meme song* And, finally, your favorite, favorite memester, Prank Invasion, put up his banner on his Youtube channel, “The Comeback, June 21st” And I was so hyped. I was on the edge of my seat. Everybody in our subreddit was waiting and thralled. The day came, and it passed, and nothing happened! Chris, where have you gone? All I’m left with is these fuccbois who are shooting each other, killing themselves, causing stampedes… All of a sudden, I’m looking back at Prank Invasion and I’m thinking, “Man, This is a great guy. This guy’s not endangering, like, actually endangering lives. He’s just making really shitty, bad videos on YouTube for me to make fun of.” And now I’m talking about people being murdered, people being stabbed, Logan Paul endangering the lives of little kids… Like, this has gone too far! All of a sudden, I’m looking back at Chris and being like, “Hey, this guy is not so bad!” So, yeah, I’m waiting for the comeback. I want those old, spicy, innocent, fun, haha memes, not, “Oops, my wife accidentally murdered me when I was doing a prank, and we have two kids that now don’t have a family.” Where’s the comeback, Chris? We’re all waiting for you to come back; please, I need more kissing pranks. “Well, it happened to me, which makes no sense on how, the, I’m still confused about it, guys.” *in bad Batman impression* And to all you fucckbois, just know… I’ll be watching. “Whoever that is, dude, fuck that guy.” *still in bad impression* I’m Batman. *poor children chanting in background* “Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan!” *bad impression* Keep a look out for all the fuccbois. “I’m a mother-freakin’ blueberr DU” *unintelligible, haunting, fuccboi dialogue* “Godspeed, my friends.”