What’s up Greg, I hope you’re all having a great day! Welcome back to my channel! This is another episode of BUY THIS THING! Sometime last year I made a video about all of these awful as-seen-on-TV commercials, and one of the commercials that I featured in it was for a product called the TacLight. Oh, what a revolution the TacLight was! I mean, to the ordinary person, if you were to just see the TacLight, it would probably just seem like a regular flashlight that’s made out of metal, and it’s bright, and you can focus the beam. But if we’re to believe the commercial for the TacLight, it is truly the best flashlight to ever exist. It was revolutionary. If you watch that video, you remember the commercial had lots of weird bits in it – like the claim at the beginning that everybody has a flashlight. ‘Everybody has a flashlight’ Every person on earth has a flashlight. No exceptions. Because every baby is born with a flashlight. Or they claim that it’s like bright enough to completely stun and stop robbers and murderers in their tracks, but somehow still safe enough to shine in your friend’s eyes. It’s made out of aircraft-grade aluminum, just in case you wanted your flashlight to be as strong as a plane.
But what I didn’t realize when I made that video about the TacLight commercial is that there’s a whole line of other Tac products.
It’s not just the TacLight. They’ve got a bunch of other shit too. They’ve got lots of other products, and they all have commercials, and they’re all ridiculous.
But they’re all hosted by their trusty spokesperson, Nick Bolton. He’s their strong, handsome military-looking spokesperson, who you can trust because he’s strong and handsome. So he must know about tools and lights and hearing aids and stuff The reason I want to talk about these commercials is because, even more so than the TacLight commercial, these commercials make some pretty lofty claims about their products, and some of the premises in their commercials are just super over-the-top. So as if the original TacLight wasn’t good enough, they now have a product called the TacLight Pro. So the ‘Pro’ usually indicates that this is meant for professionals in that field; and I just, I guess I’m just curious as to what makes a professional-level flashlight-user?
Like how good at using flashlights do you have to be to qualify for their target audience for this product? ‘Sometimes you need a flashlight; and sometimes you need a lantern!’ One of my favorite things about these commercials is that they always start out with a nice, relatable attention-grabber that everyone can get behind.
For the TacLight it was ‘everybody has a flashlight!’; but now it’s ‘sometimes you need a flashlight, and sometimes you need a lantern!’ Huh. I guess he’s right Sometimes you Do need a flashlight. But then there’s other times – completely separate times – when you need a lantern. Well if the first sentence of the commercial is true, then the whole thing must be! I’d like to buy all your products.
Nothing’s more relatable than a very straightforward fact. It’s like if you saw an Old Navy commercial about their jeans that was like ‘sometimes you need pants.’ ‘Old Navy.’ ‘Nick Bolton here for the newest addition to our tactical line, the TacLight Pro, from Bell & Howell!’ Oh, and there’s our boy, Nick Bolton! He’s just turning around from working on his, like, camo army-Hummer and his camo army-pants. Nick Bolton is a real man’s man. ‘Now when you need a flashlight, you’ll have one of the best and brightest on the market today. And when you need a lantern, simply slide it open to reveal a Cob LED so bright it can fill an entire room with light!’ Huh. That’s weird. I like that they’re like ‘in flashlight mode, it will be one of the best and brightest on the market!’ But then when they turn it to lantern mode, they’re like ‘and in lantern mode, it can light up a room.’ Except can it, even? This room doesn’t even look very well-lit, and I’m pretty sure that there’s other light-sources in this room besides the lantern. I just feel like they skimped-out on the lantern function of this flashlight. I mean, when I buy a Tac product I expect the best! I expect the best flashlight, the best lantern. After all, sometimes you need a lantern.
‘Plus, like all of our tactical products – ‘ See, this is why you can trust Nick, because he’s been in a tank before. Have you ever been in a tank? I don’t think so! So you don’t know jack-shit about flashlights. But Nick has been in a tank! In fact, he might even live in the tank. I don’t know!
‘Plus, like all of our tactical products, This one is built like a tank!’
Whoa, it’s built like a tank? So it has guns?
‘Drop it on the ground, and it keeps right on working!’ Oh. It can withstand heavy gunfire?
‘Drop it in water, and you still don’t have to worry!’
Oh. Nick Bolton is inside of it?
‘No matter how extreme the conditions, you can always rely on a TacLight!’ ‘It can even survive getting run over by a tank!’ ‘It just destroyed these other flashlights, but our tactical light … still working. That’s what I call military-tough!’
That’s what Nick Bolton calls military-tough, and if you’re gonna believe anybody about what’s military-tough, it better be Nick Bolton because he’s in the military. … wait, he is in the military right? Has he ever actually said that he’s, like, in the army or a vet or anything? I mean, he always says things are military tough, and he’s always, like, working on military equipment, and he’s always wearing camo pants. He’s gotta be in the army, right? That’s why they picked him to be the spokesperson to talk about how military-tough things are. Because he’s in the army, or he’s a vet that you can trust about military things … … right?
NickBoltonFitness.com So, this is Nick Bolton’s Fitness website where you can learn about fitness from Nick Bolton.
Meet Nick … what no, no Okay, awards, there must be some sort of military awards. No?
Pro Physique, QVC, Gateway, Natural Physique Champion, National Academy of Sports Medicine … There’s nothing about being in the military! Are you telling me that Nick Bolton … … is an actor? Then why did they hire him to talk about what things are military-tough? Why is he always wearing camo pants? Why is he in a tank? He’s just some guy, who’s strong? What does he know about military-tough? I mean, I probably know as much about military toughness as he does! Okay, that’s probably not true, but most people probably do. I feel so betrayed and lied to by Nick Bolton. But I’ll be damned if it doesn’t make me want to buy a TacLight Pro. So they’ve got lots of light-related products. They’ve got the TacLight, they’ve got the TacLight Pro, and they’ve even got the TacLight Power Pro! “These days it seems everybody has a tactical flashlight!” Does it? I don’t think it does. I think I could name a lot of my friends that don’t have tactical flashlights. That’s weird, it’s like they ran out of relatable things to say at the beginning of their commercials. Like, can’t you just say ‘sometimes it’s dark!’ and then start the commercial? ‘So now, it’s time to take things to the next level!’
Oh, and here comes Nick cruisin’ up in his fucking tank! Why do you have a tank if you’re not in the army?
I mean, if he was in the army it would makes sense – because we all know that everybody in the army gets a tank! But how did Nick get one? “Nick Bolton here, with the newest addition to our tactical line.” ‘We call it “The TacLight Power Pro!” ‘The Power Pro is twice as good as the original! It’s twice the power, so it’s twice as bright!’ … the lies never stop. I thought the TacLight was the most powerful flashlight that could ever be conceived. But here comes the TacLight Power Pro with twice as much power and twice as bright as the original TacLight! So why should I buy the TacLight Power Pro when I know next year they’re probably gonna come out with the TacLight Super Mega Power Pro Ultimate that is gonna be twice as bright as this one? I feel like we need to pause for a sec because I feel like they’re treading into dangerous territory here. I mean, the original TacLight was already bright enough to stun murderers. It’s visible from like two nautical miles away, they said, I feel like if these TacLights get any brighter, like, the second you turn it on and point it at something I feel like if these TacLights get any brighter, like, the second you turn it on and point it at something it’s just gonna burst into flames. Imagine someone breaking into your house in the middle of the night and you break out your TacLight Ultimate and you put it in self-defense mode and you shine it at the intruder and you just set them ablaze. Now, that is a self defense mode! They’ve got other great products that have nothing to do with light, such as TacMender, so you can fucking glue your pants back together.
“A torn pocket in everyday life? ‘Oh man!'” “That’s no problem!” “But what do you do when it happens in the field?” “‘Oh no!'”
Oh noooo! “‘Oh man!'”
Oh maaaan! “I’m Nick Bolton, and I use this: TacMender. Liquid SOI solutions aren’t new; but some of us, we need tougher solutions that can hold up in the harshest conditions.”
Man shut up, we know you’re not in the army!
It’s so weird, it’s like they’re trying to make it seem like he’s like a military expert without ever actually saying it.
Like putting this clip of people army-crawling under barbed wire; a thing that you do in, like, military training camps.
Over him talking about how SOME of us need a little bit stronger glue! If they’re not trying to imply that he’s in the army, then I don’t know what they’re trying to imply.
But some of us just sometimes randomly put on military gear and army-crawl under barbed wire fence for fun. And so we need better glue … … for when our clothes rip!
“Use it to fix a belt loop, or patch a hole.” “Even the most embarrassing tears are quickly and durably repaired.”
Why would the level of embarrassingness have anything to do with how fixable the tear is?
This glue can withstand unprecedented levels of embarrassment! Even though it seems like most of their products are being marketed towards, like, middle-aged people to older people, a lot of their commercials add in these really high-stakes scenarios that, like, no average person would ever come across.
Like this commercial for the TacGlasses.
‘Look, ordinary sunglasses ‘just make things darker – which could be deadly in a tactical situation!’ ‘But TacGlasses improve optical clarity so you can see clearly even in low-light!’
You know, like when you’re just taking a casual hike out in the wilderness, and some dude in full military garb pops out with binoculars and a walkie-talkie and orders a missile strike on you! You’ll be prepared with the TacGlasses, ’cause you’ll see him, and THEN you’ll blow up! Okay, the TacGlasses seem great; but what about when you need a lighter but you’re all wet because you’re sneaking around a swamp in full military gear? A problem we all face!
But don’t worry because the TacLighter works even when it’s wet, so you can continue to do … … whatever the fuck this is!
And I’m just gonna go on record and say, if this dude isn’t in a military situation right now, then whatever he’s doing is almost definitely illegal.
“Body cams are revolutionizing law enforcement.” “But cops aren’t the only ones who can use a personal camera.” I want to meet the people who make these commercials. Because, do they think that this is how real life is? Yeah, I DO need a body camera on me at all times, because this is something that could definitely happen in just this way! I’ll be walking to my car and some … … teenage hooligan will come along skateboarding on his … skateboard … scratching every car he sees with his key, and as he rides away he’ll hold up his key, so I know that he’s keyed my car with a key, and he’ll snicker at me: (mischievous laughter)
– and then he’ll skate off never to be seen again. That’s why I need a body camera on me recording at all times! “Inspired by state-of-the-art and tactical technology – ” He always says things like that. Like, ‘this product is inspired by the gear our elite military uses!’ I would really like to see how this $20 camera compares To the gear that our elite military uses. “TacCamera continuously captures up to eight gigabytes of high-definition video and audio!” Whoa! Eight gigabytes of video? That’s perfect! That’s almost enough for two hours of video!
So you can use it as a security system. You can leave it in your car overnight … … as long as you only sleep for two hours.
‘Now when the unexpected happens:
“Hey!”‘ ‘You’ll have the evidence you need to get the justice you deserve!’
Ah, and the day is saved by the TacCamera. This skateboarding hooligan was stopped in his tracks because this guy went ‘hey!’ and pointed at the little camera on his pocket. I guess his teenage hooligan rebellious personality immediately just faded away when the guy went, ‘hey!’ Like, he went from:
to ‘Aw, man, you caught me.’ ‘Well, I guess I’ll just wait here with you until the police show up and they’ll arrest me.’ “Use your TacCamera to relive one-of-a-kind experiences, [to relive – ] “To be ready to capture every magic moment!” Did they green-screen themselves outside? How hard is it to just walk outside and film? “Plus, you don’t have to be a computer genius to use a TacCamera! With just a few clicks, “You can view, download, and save your videos for later.” Wow. This does look pretty easy. You just plug it into your computer and click randomly on your trackpad a few times, and the video just comes up and starts playing. “TAC Camera is everything you’ve come to expect from the quality Bell & Howell product. It’s what I call military tough.”
Shut the fuck up. “State-of-the-art body cams can cost hundreds of dollars,”
That’s because they’re good. “But you won’t pay that much for a TAC Camera.”
That’s because it’s bad. You know how I know it’s a bad camera? Because they never once show footage from the camera.(True.) And I’ve looked at reviews on YouTube of the camera, and it’s a really bad camera. Well guys, that’s about it. I think it’s safe to say I’ll be buying all of their products. I hope you guys enjoyed this video, if you’re new here, make sure you subscribe and turn on my notifications to join Greg. Greg is my fan base on YouTube, and all you have to do is subscribe and turn on notifications to become a Greg yourself. Greg is the strongest army on the internet and the fastest growing army on the Internet. Please don’t look that up. Whatever you do, don’t Google it. I mean if you did don’t get me wrong, it would say that I was right, but please don’t Google it because, um, it’s a sort of a trust exercise and you can’t really be Greg if you don’t trust me, so please don’t Google that. Alright, that’s it for this video, thank you Tessa or Something for turning on my notifications, you are truly Greg, I’ll see you guys next time with a really interesting video where I find out that I’m half-elf. Bye!
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